It’s Thursday - yoga day at my local Asian Health Centre for the Elderly. Us non-members come in first and push the chairs and sofas to the edges of the room, when we’ve finished our class the seniors arrive for a session with the same teacher - they all seem to be men. While they are waiting for us to gather up our things and leave, they get on the exercise bikes at one end of the room and gossip while pedalling.
Our yoga room is on a busy street; heavy traffic, children and mad people can be heard screeching at volume on the other side of the big windows. Inside we have an extractor fan which starts rumbling when the kitchen staff arrive, the fan circulates the pungent lunch smells but keeps them trapped in the room with us. There were more incense sticks than usual this morning because the oldies are making model planes involving the use of strong solvents, some of which has leaked into the carpet.
Our teacher is very keen on breathing and making sure the air flows in and out through the correct orifices, we are instructed to concentrate on our bottoms
Keep your mind on your anal sphincter - and any other apertures underneath, make sure none of your energy escapes!
This was a particular challenge today because I have reacted badly to last night’s eel and quite a lot of energy was requesting release.
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If there was an FBI's Most Wanted List for offenders in the category of wasteful release of energy, I would be Public Enemy Number One. Which would be pretty cool.
ReplyDeleteA policy of 'no chili' would be best for peace of mind, minimizing escaping air while contorting around others. And I rigorously maintain two other openings for air inhaling and exhaling. No instructions necessary.
ReplyDeleteBetter out than in, as my father-in-law used to say.
ReplyDeleteLulu - You are intrepid, aren't you? I wouldn't dare enter into an Asian Senior Center anywhere for any reason - much less to put myself on the kind of display required by yoga. I fear not fitting in in such places - (even if I could get over that the 1970s sofas would chase me away). I once followed my husband into a Hasidic grocery store in Montreal on a summer day (his idea) and felt the clerk, a middle-aged man with all the Hasidic kit, looking daggers at me in my shorts. Husband was oblivious. I made a mental note and now Keep Out, like the cultural coward that I am. I am glad you are otherwise. Keep us posted.
ReplyDeleteI shall steer clear of the eel!
ReplyDeleteI went to our old office based lunchtime yoga sessions a while back and during the first class someone ripped a gigantic, seam splitting bomb from their bottom during a particularly contorted exercise. I swear I was the only person in the class who fell over as I was laughing so hard. Everyone else just ignored it. My only explanation is they were all aliens who'd had their humour genes removed. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you controlled yours though. Truly.
Mr Red I love the idea that you are entitled to wear the Methan King crown.
ReplyDeleteMiscellany - I did not know about chili being flatulent.
With a little re-spelling your new handle could sound like a groovy rapper type: Miz Ellen Eee
Eryl - I'm with your father-in-law
K - Although I am happy to endure bad furnishings so you don't have to, I do urge you to try out some intrepidity. Watch it though - it gets addictive.
xl - never steer clear of eels just stick to the smoked ones!
Veggie - I am usually the class farter - I always giggle too - AT MY OWN FARTS!!!
I'm laughing so hard I'm finding it hard to ttppypeppee
ReplyDeleteI've just finished eating a big bowl of one of my stews. It had lots of different veg and various types of beans in it, and has been cooking slowly since last night! And now I'm off to the pub!
ReplyDeleteThe regulars won't know what hit them! :¬)
xxx
Oooh! When I was a child in England and before being vegetarian I LOVED jellied eels! The textures! Is that what you had, Lulu, or a more fancy dish?
ReplyDeleteAnge - You clearly need another glass of Champagne
ReplyDeleteMap - rather glad I'm not in the vicinity
Synchy - not jellied - simply fried and flabby
i'd get the giggles. how old am i -- seven.
ReplyDeletei'm very impressed that you persevered!
Wow, I always have The Fear in yoga/pilates. That sort of advice would tip me over the edge.
ReplyDelete"Keep your mind on your anal sphincter... make sure none of your energy escapes!" Cripes, what tantric torture is this?? What kind of nirvana is it where you're not allowed to fart?!
ReplyDeleteMy mind is always on anal sphincters. And because of where I work, sadly they are not always my own
ReplyDeleteMrs Weight - we probably all have a bit of us that is seven years old.
ReplyDeleteGlory - motto of the day - Never be scared of wind
Gadjo - we didn't take the torture too seriously, some of our vital energy did escape - without dire consequences
Nursey - I had guessed that anal sphincters could be the bane of your life.
Oh jeez, trying to hold in wind or 'other stuff' during exercise or even just walking around is so hard sometimes. I went to a memorial service yesterday at a French crematorium. The previous evening I had had some flageolet beans in the salad - I kept having to sit very tight indeed.
ReplyDeleteI am the mistress of silent but deadlies. I'm also very good at staring at innocent bystanders.
ReplyDeleteSx
We've got a ladies' yoga class with old men loitering at the back of the room and the instructor is telling the ladies to concentrate on their bottoms? Care in the community isn't what it used to be.
ReplyDeleteThis has got to be the ugliest and most non-inspiring yoga environment ever. That you enter at all must be doing great things for your karma, or something.
ReplyDeleteNot to mention overcoming the solvents in the carpet smells.
Cow's respect for Lulu's courage in facing challenges keeps increasing. But then after the white house lady perhaps an asian senior center is just a cakewalk.
Admiring moo!
Frenchie - I can never tell what's going to decide to have a party in my belly, it can get embarrassing.
ReplyDeleteScarlet - me too!
Kevin - Are you not allowed on the exercise bicycles until the ladies have gone in your care centre?
Mrs Cow - Since the CWH I have been embracing tatty weirdness with gusto - Not sure i one gets Karma points for that.
I am going to pass on commenting on anal sphincters (this doesn't count, right). But I do dig your photo.
ReplyDeleteFJ - thanks - always best to avoid sphincters when possible!
ReplyDeleteEew. That's gross. You should come with me to my yoga class. When my teacher was speaking of 'orgasmic birth' and I was the only one bursting into laughter and misinterpreting her musings for a joke, I could have needed a yoga buddy who distracted from my embarrassment with a fart and a giggle.
ReplyDeleteI was once a yoga class participant and during one pose I let out a little LOUD energy. Embarrassment is not the word, more like mortified.
ReplyDelete