Doggy talk

I've been staying near Oxford for the last two weeks, dog-sitting for an elderly greyhound, here he is sleeping on a stripey rug. 

There was a river at the end of the garden and I took daily dips, it's a funny thing, swimming along chatting to people on their houseboats, I can't be on houseboats for too long because I get land sick when I go back onto dry land - I stayed on a barge once and by the end of one week I couldn't walk straight on a pavement which felt dangerous.

I like the effect that walking a dog has on other people, I've had some curious conversations, one lady asked me what breed my dog was and then noted how dog breeds have changed since when we were young - 'My Nan had a Jack Russell but you don't see the terriers any more, or the Lassie dogs, everything's some sort of poo these days'.

Currently living with a range of beautiful flooring designs

khaki harlequin floor with red braid trim, accessorised here with red chewy

pink-and-white zig zag floor with visible mend

classic monochrome

all floors available with added canine

A mothball cloud followed me

home from London. I was unaware of this until I opened my suitcase and the undiluted smell filled the bedroom and I realised that I've been moving around in an odour cloud like Pigpen from Peanuts.

The napthelene hit my nose when I first walked into Doglady's house but then all the taxidermy and the tapestries and the duck-egg-blue-coloured walls and the deep-salmon-coloured walls and the pistachio-coloured walls and all the voodoo flags and the snakes and the dismembered hands took over my attention and I didn't connect about that previous guest getting set on fire and over the week I absorbed so much of the smell into my clothes and skin and hair that my nose was too stunned to notice anymore.

In the spare room

The duvet is naked and curled over the end of the bed

it is marbled with an unpleasant grey pattern

Doglady sees me looking at it

I know that looks bad but it's not mildew ... it's fire

??

the last person sleeping there set fire to herself

I answered one of the small ads

not the one that involved a dachshund with a jacuzzi and pool table in Cairo but one that involved a lady with a dog in London

I arrive at the House of Astonishing Things just before Doglady leaves for her holiday - the house is covered with lots of little notes for me but they are difficult to notice because of all the astonishing things that keep filling my eyes.

Her holiday outfit is a pink velour pant suit and she carries a tiny parachute silk holdall - she is holding out a big canvas tent-like thing

she makes a fanfare

TA DAAAHH!

and like the Great Splendido she swirls the heavy tent-thing onto her body and becomes enormous.

She pats the lumps that are all round her back and front and recites:

suncream
maps
shoes
sandals
hairbrush
deodrant
camera
reading glasses
sunglasses
books-my-god-they-shouldn't-complain-about people-who-take-books-on-holiday-do-they-want illiterate-clients?
guidebooks
dictionary

she is triumphant!