is there a word for the opposite of talent?

Inabilities doesn't seem right I want to call it 'anti-talents' which might be an infection caught from a year in academia where making up words is de rigueur

More words

from the Futility Closet today

my favourite is

quakebuttock 
n. a coward

A posse of black girls

in black and white school uniforms were at the end of the road when I set out for the Brain Doctor's.

Half of them broke off - racing to a lamp post and back. By the time I reached them they were back together, the sprinters breathless and laughing, a lot of chat with heavy swearing.

The tallest one was talking over everyone, über-swearily while bouncing on the spot, about a soon-to-happen race.

Her friend who hadn't been running interrupted her

Charlene 

you are so fucking ...

 (long pause trying to place the right word)

sportated 

today

Lining the Stomach

from the futility closet

bellytimber
n. food, provisions

magirology
n. the art or science of cookery

gastrosoph
n. an expert or skilled eater

When working as a cook I noted that boys doing the same job as me usually called themselves chefs

I wish I had called myself a magirologist



photo by Dan Cretu

Speechless

For one year I have known a man who’s voice comes out in burpy spasms and air gasps. When I first met him I assumed that he had a bit of a cold then I guessed there must be something more serious going on and it seemed rude to mention it. 

Today I asked him if he had a sore throat.

No it’s been like this for fifteen years - my daughter passed away and then some months later I woke up with no voice at all, just this much has come back.

Words of the Day

Effigiate

v. to represent by a picture or sculpture
example:
That custard tart looks so good  someone should effigiate it

Tartilate

v. finding that someone else has already eaten the second tart

example: 
That's the hedge trimmed I'll go inside for a coffee and custard tart
I'm sorry but you appear to have tartilated

Absolutely No Chemical Verbilizers

Today I am looking at job adverts in the agricultural section, this is the one I shall be contacting

I rent also a 9 square kilometre garden with lots of fruit trees and fields for vegetables. The whole garden is designed to work as a biological circle, I don´t use any poisons or chemical verbalizers. There is much more potential in this garden than I can make out of it on my own, so therefore I´m searching some help

 

 

Also today I am darning socks I can't find my darning needle and the only thing I can find to take the wool is a needle for threading string through mattresses it is as long as a runner bean and is bent like a spoon - the task of sock-darning has become very difficult but quite interesting.

Affogato

Affogato is a shot of hot espresso coffee poured over a scoop of vanilla ice cream - I LOVE it - by half-way through you are spooning at a tiny bowl of pale creamy coffee-tinted soup.

I like coffee but I like it strong and it gives me the shakes so I don't normally drink it but I needed some strong coffee to dye an arran cardigan that had gone a bit wooden and was an unpleasant yellowy nicotine-stain colour.

I made a big jug of strong coffee for the dyeing it looked so good I had to have some and then there wasn't enough left for dyeing, I have been saving the ends of jugs of coffee for days allthewhile getting shakier and shakier -  just before I died I got enough coffee to dye the wooden cardigan.

IT IS FANTASTIC it looks like the end of an affogato and it smells like a coffee roasting house.

I listened in on a conversation about a new person starting work 

she was dressed quite strangely

strangely - how?

about 20 years too old

I don't know how that's going to end

Untitled

My man has recently returned from India, his son is here too, he makes title graphics for television programmes:

I got my first job doing the programme titles completely on my own last week

Great - how did that go?

Not very well really they couldn't think of what to call the programme

Double Bedding

 

bedroom in russian house by andrew qzmn

I need a new mattress so I went to the place I last bought a mattress from but it has closed down.

I came home and looked on the computer for bed shops, I also looked at the Gumtree small ads where I saw a suspiciously large number of ‘brand new still in rapper (sic) mattress’  advertisements for a variety of mattresses , they are all in the same part of town (Bedminster - really!) I called one of the numbers and spoke to a man asking him why he was selling this mattress.

Because they deliver me two

It turned out that his mattress was not the right size so I called another of the numbers and spoke to someone else

Why are you selling this mattress

Because they deliver me two.

The Gathering of The Funny Noses

Billy Winslow: clown and wire walker


I've been driving around town, on the hourly news I keep hearing part of an item where our Prime Minister urges the Scottish people not to leave us. I always miss the beginning and I'm concentrating on other things but he seems to be saying that his name means 'crooked nose' in Scottish and that his  'clown motto*' is 'let us unite'.

*PS: Heard the news properly this evening turns out he's talking about 'Clans' - that's a Scottish thing

Not Knitting

I want to knit a thing but wool’s really expensive so I haunt charity shops lookingout for actual wool woolies that I can unknit and reknit.  I find them and get them home and like them as they are so I’ve ended up with a pile of ready knitted things and a lot of washing to do.

On my way back from the print studio there was a lone open shop in the Sunday morning quiet - a charity shop. I went in and the assistant followed me excitedly round the shop keeping up a running commentary.

It’s been so dead, you’re only the third in since I opened and that was hours ago, I haven’t taken a penny yet do you think it’ll rain all day? I've got the insurance coming tomorrow to look at my roof which is leaking but if it’s going to be torrential today then I’m really stuck aren’t I? Nice shoes.

He was really really close and put me off my jumper-touching, I backed towards the ‘entertainment’ section and picked up a Motown Chartbuster, gave the guy his first sale then came home and got my record player out - it’s been  a happy afternoon singing along with the Temptations.

reasons to be cheerful that my house is bloody freezing

1. I have a lot of jumpers that need wearing

2. The irises that I put in a vase 10 days ago are still looking fresh (frozen?)

3.   ... ???

No Pets Please ...

I tell Lola about the dog woman

Lola says 

all animals are trouble even the little ones…

I got given two fish right but then I had to go away and so did my flatmates so I had to put the fish in a bag and put the fish tank on my back and carry them over the other side of town to my friend and I told her she had to use old water for the tank it has to be two days old or the tap water kills them but the water wasn’t old enough and the fish died and she was so sorry that when I came back she bought me two fish but one was bigger than the other and he bullied the little one and I called my mother who told me to separate them but while I was on the phone I watched the little one die he just went over on his side like that while I was watching …

Last Calm Weekend

Tomorrow the house will be bulging at the seams as the crew will have all returned from the latest filming trip. Yesterday, however I was quite alone in the house when a child came to visit, he’d last been here about a year ago when he was four years old. Not sure if he remembered the house he stood in my kitchen with a puzzled look on his face then he thrust his finger in the air with inspiration, he did know this place, he turned to me and said

Didn’t you used to keep men here?


I recently had a message from a friend asking me if I was off gallivanting - such a lovely word, one that might describe an interesting way of moving; something involving high stepping, prancing and the tossing of one’s plumed head, I think gallivanting is a more energetic form of catering



After writing about my recent encounter with Bearpit Man it dawned on me that the reason that I could now understand his words was because he seems to have overcome a speech impediment, an aspect of him that I hadn’t properly registered before,   like when someone you know shaves off a moustache and you can’t work out what’s wrong with their face.

I saw Bearpit man again this morning pushing a big wire shopping trolley that he had ingeniously modified for his catering forays, he showed me around the trolley’s compartments stuffed with thermoses and stacks of cups that he had pre-dosed with coffee powder and sugar