Doggy talk

I've been staying near Oxford for the last two weeks, dog-sitting for an elderly greyhound, here he is sleeping on a stripey rug. 

There was a river at the end of the garden and I took daily dips, it's a funny thing, swimming along chatting to people on their houseboats, I can't be on houseboats for too long because I get land sick when I go back onto dry land - I stayed on a barge once and by the end of one week I couldn't walk straight on a pavement which felt dangerous.

I like the effect that walking a dog has on other people, I've had some curious conversations, one lady asked me what breed my dog was and then noted how dog breeds have changed since when we were young - 'My Nan had a Jack Russell but you don't see the terriers any more, or the Lassie dogs, everything's some sort of poo these days'.

Barcelona was hotter than hell

The puppy and I assumed this position A LOT 

I had one great skirt, long and billowy and I wore it constantly  

When it was time to wash it I put the clean billowy skirt out to dry on the washing line which is cantilevered off the balcony -the flat is up at the top of the building.

I didn't put enough pegs on the skirt so when I next looked out of the window my skirt was no longer there.  I went outside and leaned over the balcony - my skirt had caught on the washing line of someone below - but very delicately. Before it blew off again I rushed downstairs and knocked on the door of the apartment and as I waited for the reply and noticed the tumbleweed in the corridors I realised that I was the only person stupid enough to be in Barcelona at this time of year - everyone else has found a mountain to visit.

The puppy and I gazed down at the skirt and decided that it would definitely blow away in the night.

Over the following days I peered down below to see my skirt still just hanging on down there - then about a week later I came in the front door of the building at the same time as a lady with her arms full of ciabatta she looked at me suspiciously and said

where are you?

I said that I was with the puppy in the top apartment

Ah - the two boys - where have they gone?

I told her - then she said

I was in the mountains for two months - I have your skirt would you like it back?

Currently living with a range of beautiful flooring designs

khaki harlequin floor with red braid trim, accessorised here with red chewy

pink-and-white zig zag floor with visible mend

classic monochrome

all floors available with added canine

Lawn Sausage

I heard talk about Lorne Sausage before I saw the packaging - until then I assumed that it was the Scots euphemism for what happens when you keep dogs

I am looking after a very sweet dog

he mainly looks like this - when I talk he looks like this with his head cocked

In the spare room

The duvet is naked and curled over the end of the bed

it is marbled with an unpleasant grey pattern

Doglady sees me looking at it

I know that looks bad but it's not mildew ... it's fire

??

the last person sleeping there set fire to herself

I answered one of the small ads

not the one that involved a dachshund with a jacuzzi and pool table in Cairo but one that involved a lady with a dog in London

I arrive at the House of Astonishing Things just before Doglady leaves for her holiday - the house is covered with lots of little notes for me but they are difficult to notice because of all the astonishing things that keep filling my eyes.

Her holiday outfit is a pink velour pant suit and she carries a tiny parachute silk holdall - she is holding out a big canvas tent-like thing

she makes a fanfare

TA DAAAHH!

and like the Great Splendido she swirls the heavy tent-thing onto her body and becomes enormous.

She pats the lumps that are all round her back and front and recites:

suncream
maps
shoes
sandals
hairbrush
deodrant
camera
reading glasses
sunglasses
books-my-god-they-shouldn't-complain-about people-who-take-books-on-holiday-do-they-want illiterate-clients?
guidebooks
dictionary

she is triumphant!

I'm still checking the small ads

this is today's favourite

Pet Sitter needed for our Dachshund for 10 Days in Cairo, Egypt - Pool Table and Jacuzzi Included!

I was in a part of Devon

and needed to get to another part of Devon. 

My local expert advised that a route through winding unsigned lanes would be the best idea

I set off and after a few bends realised that I was driving behind a large vehicle full of dogs - paws up against the rear window making faces at me.

Me and the travelling dog show went on for a few miles then the road widened, the dog-lorry pulled over and a large man got out and waved me down

you looking for something?

Tedburn St Mary - is this the way?

You're not looking for a terrier then?

No thank you

It's just that we saw one on the road back there and picked it up ... but then we dropped it off at the pub ... thought it might be yours

I'm Still in the House with Wooden Wallpaper

The people who live here have gone away, they've left a dog called Charley to take care of me. He's taking the role very seriously and is keeping me in sight at all times, making sure that I eat all my food and don't leave anything not even in the pot.

Last night Charley was concerned that I might run off with the telly or all the food. When I was nearly asleep he crept onto the bed so quietly I wouldn't notice and lay across my legs to prevent my getaway.

Today he took me out and tried to cheer me up by bringing me toys and sticks but I was in a mean mood and kept on throwing them all away.

Visiting the Young Ones

The man with the cool black dog and his teenage son live in a medium-size house in Brighton. The man is half Labrador half teenager and the three of them live together in a house ripe with the smell of dog, adolescent boy, fried things, unwashed bedlinen and the poo that lies in wait in the lavatory. Cables trail along hallways  and down the stairs converging in the centre of the living room. Walls are hung with guitars and bikes and the supermarket shop stays in it's bags on the table until the ice cream leak becomes conspicuous.

They are very happy in their boy fug letting me stay in the spare room with it’s duvet made of soggy cardboard and yellowed pillow with permanent head dent.

We scrunched together on the sofa watching scifi and adventure films interfering with the plot and who had been in which films before and eating pizza and then meringue and cream mixed with a little bit of fruit so we could say – YES THERE WERE VEGETABLES

A Walk in the Park

We took the black labrador to a large park outside Brighton she immediately produced and ate a poo then found a headless baby rabbit and tried to gulp it down but my friend caught her and tried to stop this ingestion - there was a wrestling match which the dog won.

We walked on and the dog ran off and caught up with us again - now with a thick layer of another animal's excrement on her back.

Did you get a black dog so the dirt wouldn't show?

No I just thought black was cooler