Tuesday, September 30

I am looking after a very sweet dog

he mainly looks like this - when I talk he looks like this with his head cocked

Sunday, September 28

Stabby and Shooty

Where I'm staying there's a massive school a few metres up the road, I ask a couple who live nearby if it's any good

The man says

I think so ... but I hear it's a bit shooty - one of the dads went in there and pulled a gun a while back

woman says
... and  it's a bit stabby too, there was that argument between the mothers - one of them got her scissors out of her bag and stabbed the other one in the forehead

Saturday, September 27

In the spare room

The duvet is naked and curled over the end of the bed

it is marbled with an unpleasant grey pattern

Doglady sees me looking at it

I know that looks bad but it's not mildew ... it's fire


the last person sleeping there set fire to herself

Friday, September 26

I answered one of the small ads

not the one that involved a dachshund with a jacuzzi and pool table in Cairo but one that involved a lady with a dog in London

I arrive at the House of Astonishing Things just before Doglady leaves for her holiday - the house is covered with lots of little notes for me but they are difficult to notice because of all the astonishing things that keep filling my eyes.

Her holiday outfit is a pink velour pant suit and she carries a tiny parachute silk holdall - she is holding out a big canvas tent-like thing

she makes a fanfare


and like the Great Splendido she swirls the heavy tent-thing onto her body and becomes enormous.

She pats the lumps that are all round her back and front and recites:

reading glasses
books-my-god-they-shouldn't-complain-about people-who-take-books-on-holiday-do-they-want illiterate-clients?

she is triumphant!

Here's a thing

The Man has been in France with a lady who makes enormous dinners and keeps dozens of dogs and who first noticed the luminous earthworms 30 years ago. Thinking this to be interesting, she told some French scientists - boy did they laugh.

Madame you 'ave a vagina it is not possible that you make observation - go back to your kitchen
and drink less absynthe

The luminous-worm story was repeated among the scientists to illustrate the stupidity of vagina-owners until it filtered through to someone who did go and visit the lady and the worms who then set about finding someone with a luminosity-filming camera ...

this is just the beginning of a story

Tuesday, September 23

I've just read this

According to a study published Thursday in the journal Cell, scientists have developed a chemical treatment that turns lab mice transparent … It takes roughly two days to make a mouse’s organs transparent and one week more to make a mouse fully see-through.

and then I read this

If you can't be bothered to click through I'll just give you the end bit

The transparent mice are part of a project that would make the entire human brain see-through.

The Man Is Filming Luminous French Worms

In France

it has to be done at night

He calls me and  complains that his French hosts make him eat an enormous French supper before he goes out to do this.

I'm still checking the small ads

this is today's favourite

Pet Sitter needed for our Dachshund for 10 Days in Cairo, Egypt - Pool Table and Jacuzzi Included!

Monday, September 22

Today at the Brain Doctor's

the doorbell stopped working again - I tore it from the wall and shouted at it but it was no use

a surprising number of patients who visit have only one good eye

today a new patient parked a few metres down the road then phoned to say she couldn't find the surgery. I said stay where you are I'll come and get you but she moved and we ended up chasing each other round the block. I completed the circuit to see her standing at the bell-less door waving at me

Tuesday, September 16

I'm in a book

Women in Clothes by Sheila Heti, Heidi Julavits, Leanne Shapton and 639 Others

I love it that in a book about clothes my contribution is about nudity

Monday, September 15

It was this kind of day today

jug: bastien aubry and dimitri broquard

Sunday, September 14

Today there was a sunflower competition

at the top of the hill

Back in May, three seeds were delivered in an envelope to everyone in the neighbourhood with a note attached




I sowed these and as many other sunflower seeds as I could find. This last month sunflowers have been blooming and fading and the house is now surrounded by crusty vegetable shower heads. Of the seeds that arrived through the letterbox two survived, on Friday they bloomed huge and tall and beautiful and leaning on each other for support - I didn't have the heart to chop the biggest away so I just took the thought of my flowers up the hill.

We brought food and there were sack races and racing toy cars and a tug o war. A flower in a purple wig won the best-dressed section and a man came round the corner pushing a wheelbarrow overflowing with a stalk the size of a lap-dancing pole, his two children carried a decaying flower which was bigger than their two heads combined

Thursday, September 11

The Brain Doctor

operates from very low-rent premises, there is no technology, no card machine, no computer - the record-keeping system is made of paper and paper clips and pencils

he charges very little for his services and people pay as they go - cash or cheque only

today a patient had his treatment and then ran off without paying - he literally ran out of the door so I couldn't catch him

I picked up the piece of paper with his contact details on

and they are all made up

this has never happened before

Monday, September 8

If you leave us can we come too?

some of us are jealous that Scotland gets to choose independence

there could be a domino effect

The tooth has gone

It feels a bit drool-ey

have bought eye patch, parrot and stumpy leg

Friday, September 5

seems like I've been in dental dread


I can't remember when I wasn't eating painkillers.

I did go to see the dentist last Tuesday,  arriving early to sit among the magazines in that shrunken scared way of someone who knows something bad is going to happen.

after a long chat with the receptionist the dentist showed me into the surgery

the dentist then spent ten minutes telling me about her overloaded schedule - finally she looked in my mouth but she was out of time and said she'd have to do the work over her lunch break today.

Wednesday, September 3

Found some metres of this

in a charity shop - I thinks it's the dogs

and now I know how to finish decorating the bedroom - it involves a GOLD ceiling

it's going to be F.A.B

Monday, September 1


today someone posted a notice asking for live-in help around the house, no pay but you get to stay there for free ...

It needs much work and I have limited funds. My wife left me about 7 years ago, after 25 years of marriage. She liked being a housewife, but said she had no feelings for me. I disdain housework and I'm not much at remodeling ... I'm not too demanding- but I don't have pets ( except Goldfish ) , a fence, or allow them in the house. I also can't stand people smoking- anything. I've been a health nut for many years- but don't mind others eating what they want. I don't drink alcohol or take other drugs. I'm an easy going Christian gentleman.

Saturday, August 30

My tooth still hurts

but we are in England so I have to wait until next Tuesday to see a dentist.

I receive weekly advice emails from Miranda July and this week she says ...

You know how Jason Bourne keeps on moving, no matter what? You should too. Bullet to the leg? Keep going. Don't think, just go.

good luck,

Thursday, August 28

Two people arrived together

and then another two

there was already a man trying to make texts sitting on the sofa

so that was six of us in the Brain Surgery waiting room

next time the doorbell went it was another couple who were very excited and told us all about how they were long lost friends of the Brain Doctor, there was a long and animated story of their times together and then they they stood against the long wall underneath a painting of a shipwreck and waited expectantly.

the texting man went into the bathroom which has the sort of paper-thin walls that maintain clear audibility

the Brain Doctor emerged from the consulting room, looked blankly at the long lost friends and hurried off to another consulting room.

In the ensuing silence we all listened to the texting man making full use of the lavatory while also holding a shouty conversation.

Tuesday, August 26

I took the haunted bell

back to the hardware shop and demanded my money back then I went to a different hardware shop, bought another doorbell and got to the Brain Surgery early today so that I could install this new one

the effect was remarkable

two out of three patients came in and looked around in amazement, asked what was new and remarked on how clean and bright the surgery looked

I've bought a magic doorbell

Saturday, August 23

Someone wanted me to feel better

and planted this dress for me to find on the Gloucester Road

My tooth

has been getting progressively wobblier all year

i've been in denial about this fact and now it's getting quite sore, begging me to let it go.

i am very sad about this

probably because I'm afraid that I'll end up looking like a pirate

Friday, August 22

I'm a fishperson

and I just thought that I really liked Kate Bush.


it was back in the '80s - in the days when I used to cook at popstar recording studios - those days when popstars traipsed in and out of my kitchen day in day out: that bloke off Police, a Beatle, Joni Mitchell, all of them - I'd just put supper on the table then sit down and eat with everyone like we all went to school together.

Until Katebush Day

A fan finds it hard to believe the object of fandom actually exists - or that's how it affected me - it was like having a unicorn in the house.

I was also dazzled by that whiterthanwhite top which stayed unblemished the entire day - and I know biscuits were involved in the recording studio. Look at me, I'm wearing a brown jumper because I know that if I wear anything smooth or light-coloured something stain-ey will jump on it within 5 seconds.

As you can see it was in the good old days of cigarettes - that's Kate's brother Paddy in the front - I'm trying really hard not to set his hair alight.

Thursday, August 21

That doorbell

I got for the Brain Surgery - turns out it's haunted.

It seemed a little strange when I unwrapped it - the ring menu contained nothing you'd want to announce a visitor: electro drum 'n' bass, rickety piano, cartoon car parps, swanee whistle - everything except ding dong.

I settled on a tinny cascade called 'peel of bells' but even that had consequences, prompting one patient to recall a '60s sitcom that no-one had ever heard of. To boost our memories she re-enacted the opening sequence and would've done the entire first series but someone said 'oh - that show' and I was able to show her into the consulting room.

Today the haunted doorbell started randomly playing bits from it's repertoire of bizarre sounds.

Maybe it's the plug socket that's possessed

Monday, August 18

A tattooed man lives above the Brain Surgery

When he clomps up and down the stairs the surgery shakes and those of us in the waiting room hunch up a little like we're in an air raid shelter.

Tattoo Man doesn't just tread the stairs, he also bursts into the waiting room in his muscle-revealing vest and shorts. Sometimes he powers through to the store room to see if he left a drill there, sometimes he just stops by to tell an amusing traffic warden story or show a tear-inducing video clip.

This has clearly been going on for years - the Brain Doctor in true British fashion has never directly let it be known that he is less than happy with the situation

Friday, August 15

Forever Bicycles

by Ai Weiwei

My forever bikes

Monday:  bike breaks, Shopman sucks teeth, tells me he probably can't repair it but will have a look

Tuesday: secondhand bike advertised on Gumtree, send email - no reply assume sold. Another secondhand bike advertised up the road, it's a clunker - I buy it for £40

Wednesday: I hate clunkerbike

Thursday: Gumtree bike responds 'I've been away - still for sale' I buy it for £50, this one is better but not as nice as my broken bike

Friday: Shopman calls to tell me he's fixed the broken bit of my bike for which he will charge £50 but I must note that the gears are nearly worn invisible and the brakes should be replaced

Thursday, August 14

just discovered

that I opened a twitter account in 2009, made a single tweet and never went back

have dusted it off and will try to do better - no idea what it's for or how to do it but so far I have garnered 9 followers who all appear to be sex workers - if you use this vehicle follow @lululabonne and I'll follow you and someone will write a song about it.

Wednesday, August 13

My friend Lorde

is a horder of the highest order

she said

I'm having a clear out 

I said

can I help?

yes she said

you could bring your car and take stuff to the dump.

arrive at noon, front door wide open, hallway impassable

she waves at me from behind the mountain of debris

I can't get out - can you put the rubbish on the street

I stack pavement with the hallway boxes and bins - when path made she bustles out after me picks up large plastic bucket full of rags from the pavement and struggles back in with it

what's the matter am I not helping?

no - this is beautiful I just found this on the street yesterday - you're dangerous - go and make tea

The man who sits on the pavement

outside the florist has stopped selling the 'Post-its' and paperclips that he nicks from the stationer a couple of doors down.

Instead he is weaving his beer cans into ashtrays so I bought one for a quid -  you might think that sounds cheap but the smoking's going to cost me a fortune
Related Posts with Thumbnails