More Bloody Wasps

23rd September
A few months ago I allowed myself to be nominated the Health and Safety Officer for this insect filming project. The Big Controller wanted risk assessment forms completed and for someone to be responsible, I’m the one with the most recent First Aid certificate so I got the job. I’ve never felt responsible for anyone before and I’m not really sure how to do it. I’m still the laughing stock of the village for turning up at the Maire’s office in June wanting to know what usually killed people round here.

Now that we’re back to the full household complement of The Director, two Camera Boys and me, work has to start on items on the filming agenda that I’ve been trying to steer away from;

We need to film inside wasp’s and hornet’s nests, will you find us some Lulu ?
Let's have a party
Hey look there’s a wasp’s nest right here by the house.

The digging started yesterday and is being done very quietly so the wasps don’t guess what we’re up to, a bit like The Great Escape, but in reverse. It’s important not to actually break into any tunnel or the chamber, so work is proceeding very slowly. The aim is to find the main nest chamber and put in a tiny lens to film waspy activity. The nest entrance is a hole in the ground where (if you put your head really close to it and peer in) you can glimpse a tunnel veering to the left, The Director made a guess as to the likely location of the chamber (a bit further on in that direction), but the clever wasps have found a hole with a circular tunnel (the nest is made in an old animal burrow) and there is now a sort of moat virtually encircling the site.

There can’t be many wasps actually in the nest because they are all in the house with me and what's left of a big box of oozingly ripe figs that somebody generously contributed to Sunday’s party. Obviously I can’t join in the digging as I need to turn this potentially lethal health hazard into tarts.

Time and money

29th July
We're still nitpicking about money and schedules. One rather large hurdle to overcome is the fact that the Big Controller has used her financial allowance for this year so our production will have to go into next year's budget - money can't be released to us until next April.

Is it on or is it off?

25th July, Back in UK
Got back after midnight last night, new drama has broken out about terms and conditions, money, budgets... The Director is in London all day today meeting the Big Controller. A few days ago, when we were in celebration mode, he invited everyone who’s had anything to do with the project to a party tonight. This includes a new camera assistant who started working for us while I was away. This one is dark and brooding: slouchy posture, super-baggy low-slung trousers, underwear spilling over the top. He arrives for work first thing and he's bought his new wife along, she is pretty and pouty and spends the day sunbathing in the garden. I spend the day preparing for the party, getting tense about the outcome of the London meeting and developing my plans for running a B&B from the Lovely House.

The Director arrives slightly later than the other guests. I don't get a chance to find out how the meeting went.

New Camera Boy is keen for his wife to join the team. When the subject is broached directly to me I point out that a) we don’t definitely have a project yet but if we do finally hook it, it will have less rather than more budget. And b) if we can afford extra help there are several strong reasons why we should be using French people.


Late to bed - The Director tells me that New Wife persuaded him to give her a job interview  tomorrow evening????!!!

We get the gig

16th July, back in France
The month has been tense and life-sapping. Our financial and emotional resources depleted. The new pilot was delivered but the Big Controller is on holiday so we have to wait an unspecified amount of time before we find out if we pass Go. Pacing around in the UK is killing me so I get on a plane to the Lovely House. As I walk through the Arrivals lounge there is a call from the Director 'the Big Controller said "Yes"'.

France is hot, hot, hot. I go to the supermarket and get Champagne to celebrate the ‘win’. Meet Mme Bontette. at the meat counter. The village is en fete this weekend, she suggests I come and help with the preparations on Friday.

Still no phone.

The 'names'

London
For the last month there have been excruciating negotiations with an agent over the contracts for our famous (read expensive) actors. The Big Controller specifically wanted us to use an actor she'd liked in the Eighties, so we got him and a Lovely Shiny Girl and shipped them over to a Soho studio to voice the new script for us. Mr Eighties arrived looking crumpled, sweaty and anxious. A few cans of Pepsi Max helped initially but things got steadily worse as lines were fluffed, and tempers frayed. It was a quiet journey home.

Everything on hold

18th May
I get back to the UK high as a kite with success. I go into the production office (which is also home to The Director and me) and am met with a sea of gloom. The Big Controller had a lot of problems with the pilot we’d just sent, this was version II. An earlier pilot which had prompted the commission for this series was deemed too short and had to be made longer by a third. Now the new version is too long and we have to halve it. The professional actors we used for the narration are no good, we have to redo it with ‘names, people with profile darling’. This will affect the budget massively and suddenly the whole project is thrown into doubt.

Last month I cleared out two rooms in our house to accommodate the expanding production offices. I’ve just used our savings to secure the deposit and first month’s rent on the Lovely House. I start working out how quickly I could get a B&B going there.