Monday, December 14

Interview Tragi-Comedies

I have been in the production office helping Miss Whiplash choose a new helpmate. We’ve been through this process many times; we place an ad, discard the many slovenly, illiterate emails masquerading as applications, a short-list is drawn up, appointments made and we wait to see what will appear before us.

These were our favourites:

1) The man who appeared to be auditioning for a part in 'Oliver'
Cap at a jaunty angle, he took up a stagey pose on the doorstep and launched into a prepared speech.

2) The candidate who chuckled away as he said
I go crazy if I have to write stuff, I manage to do the title and then I go aaaarrrgghhh (waves hands aloft makes horror face) and then I tell my girlfriend what I want to say and she does it for me.

3) The young man who glossed over the reason for the early termination of his previous contract
Whiplash pressed him: Was there an accident Julian?

Julian: N-no, no (long pause before adding quietly) not really

4) The man who completely disregarded Lovelock Style Rule No 475*
Shades, wacky bandana, multiple piercings and the bottom part of a ZZ Top beard

5) The shouty man
when asked what his responsibilities were in his current job, treated us to a 15-minute rant about his work colleagues

We have taken on someone who appeals to us very much but I’ve completed a survey on who we’ve worked well with over the years and next time I’m just going to write this advert:
Help wanted: All applicants should be able to make tea and deal with rubbish bins. Women should be fierce, men should be nerds with strange hobbies - funny hair a bonus in all cases.

*Lovelock was a friend and style guru, wearer of orange Paul Smith suits, man bags and highly polished footwear, he passed on many pearls of wisdom, rule No 475 pertains to headwear
Never have more than 2 crazy things happening on your head at once; big hair, big glasses – fine, but ditch the wierdy beard


  1. Lulu - now that I've picked myself up off the floor (I got there from laughing too hard), I must say that I may send in my application next time. Can definitely make tea and can be very fierce. Will not ever rant, even about my children, and limit headwear to a little mascara. And you'll never know of course about my fur lined undie fetish unless you're behind me at the photocopier! ;-) You just made my day!

  2. If you only have the bottom half of a ZZ top beard what keeps it attached to your face?

    Oh I've just got it... it's a merkin.

  3. And no white people with dreadlocks.

  4. HAHA!
    I would up the ante to "Never have more than 2 crazy things happening at once on your person"

    Gadzooks that was funny. We should take a moment to remember that it takes all kinds..somehow, there seems to be a lid for every pot and an ass for every saddle.

  5. Does talking to and answering oneself count as for or against?

    And what about baldness and twitches?

    And I advise caution about that strange hobby thing. It's difficult to be prepared for the potential of that mystery.

  6. ah ha ha ah ha!

    This is the BEST help-wanted ad Cow has ever read (except of course you left out the part about "must be knowledgeable about Topiary")

    Prepared speeches? Oliver caps? Girlfriend does it? Strange accidents? Oh my god!!!!

    And this is the cream after winnowing out? WHAT is our world coming to? Is this the result of home-schooling, or Dr. Spock upbringings, too much TV, or some mad invasion of pod people?

    This was a very scary slice of Reality, Ms. Lulu!

    Frightened Moo!

  7. I would totally apply to that ad!

  8. I'm inclined toward Julian as Miss Whiplash has already established dominance over him!

    Oh Hai MJ!

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  10. I recently had a woman burst into tears and run from the room during an interview. My god, the world's a funny place. Hilarious post... needed a laugh just now. Thank you. I hope the new person works out.

  11. Now it would be something if I had the ZZ Top beard. You'd hire me right away, wouldn't you? I do have the crazy hair!

  12. I want to work with fierce women too. Not as fierce as Leona Helmsley though

  13. Hmm, an interesting way to draw up a job vacancy anouncement, but you'd have to allow for a certain amount of "noise" (as we specialist call it) in the training data, e.g. just because all the employees you liked happened to be born on a Tuesday might not be enough to ensure quality job applicants.

  14. Ange - you'd fit right in sweetie

    inkspot - a merkin comes in handy on many occasions

    MJ - no white people with dreadlocks, no crocs!

    Donn - It does take all kinds, but I can't cope with the shouty ones ... or the wierdy beardys

    Bill - Talking to and answering oneself becomes mandatory - baldness and twitches happen in time too

    Mrs Cow "must be knowledgeable about Topiary" will be added to the list

    Alphawoman - and you'd probably get the job

  15. Ana - Actually tears are the one thing we've not had - that must be disturbing!

    Scribe - if it's just the beard and hair - you're in!

    Nursey - Ok off to check who Leona Helmsley is
    *goes to Google looking for lion-tamers*

    Gadjo - an imperfect system - but the only one I've got

  16. So I have to get rid of the beard now? Shame it is...

  17. Wonderful bunch. I'd hire them all, especially the 'Oliver' chap. I like the idea of an itinerant street urchin in your midst.

  18. I like beards! But not big glasses. Or rubber thongs/jandles/flip-flops/flaps. Or ugh boots. Or white shoes - especially loafers.

  19. I feel chosen for have already heard your rule about two crazy things up top. I wonder if I would have got the job - I can do 'fierce' quite well.

  20. Well, we all have to do something, don't we? And here's me fantasizing about bringing a flamethrower to work.

  21. I've come back to scrutinise your blog and see if I missed a post about your relocation to London. I haven't and now I'm curious to know more (nosy old me)

  22. I heart Lovelock! That's just plain smart advice.

  23. Metmum - Fierce women with beards - that's ok

    Mme Def - I will send the beardies, and Oliver-a-likes over to Pimlico pronto!

    Ms Eyeball - there's quite a footwear thing going on here - I like a rubber thong, but not in winter.

    Frenchie - I intended to mention it here but guess I might need to be more explicit.

    Mr Red - bring your flamethrower here, you'll fit right in

    Kat - you and Lovelock were made for each other

  24. My God, we'd employ all of those!

    It's the only thing that keeps us out of mischief.

  25. Dear Lulu. This sort of thing is why we love you. I am with Mme on the "Oliver" applicant (i.e., intrigued, and positively disposed by mention of the jaunty cap). If you could have asked him to sing a few bars of "Consider Yourself at Home!" maybe you would have changed your minds about him.

  26. Kevin - possibly you could use someone who can't 'write stuff' in your office - far too much writing around anyway.

    K - I did let him finish his spiel, but certainly an actual song would have brightened my day even more

  27. I'm a fierce woman trapped in a nerd's body. And I do deals with rubbish bins all the time.

    When do I start?

  28. P.S. What television isn't for idiots?

  29. Hello Mrs UberGrumpy - you sound like my kind of girl, next time there's a vacancy I'll let you know - can you play the air guitar?

  30. Whooppee

    I can play the air guitar but I choose not to. It plays havoc with the nails, dahling

  31. Ok - you can be the fierce one then - do you like cake?

  32. Are you kidding? They didn't call me Battenberg Boy at school for nothing.

    Er, I mean Gingerbread Girl


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