Things I learned this year

for me in  2023 there was

rather too much dampness

sad intervals 

and toothache

a weirdly hot 1st week of September

a new king 

 

the nice bits involved swimming and Christmas cake

 

I learned about the Japanese expression Kuuki wo yomu -  'reading the air' 

This is not simply an ability to 'read the room' 

In Japan this is an extreme and excruciating mind game, mainly used to establish and maintain hierarchical structures, the underling must become telepathic.

Kanako illustrated the concept with a story about when she worked for a small fashion company - her boss liked to perform the idea that his employers (the women) were his equals. Every day they would all go out for lunch together. Every day he would ask one of the women to say where they should go to eat. Each woman dreaded her turn to say because it was all about guessing correctly where the boss wanted to go  - the inability to 'read the air' has it's own specific and derogatory term - KY (like being called 'backward') and is apparently a career-killer 

 

The Sneaky Leak

That rain water flood that crashed through our roof in August - huge and dramatic - a Niagara event  

Hadn't noticed the silent, secret river seeping though the house - has been for several years 

Didn't notice til November -  going to write something on the calendar,  talking on the phone at the time, not really looking what I was doing but could feel pen slipping rather than writing so paid attention - water dripping through the ceiling, onto weird art calendar, making it even more grotequesly baroque  

Several days progressively tearing the house apart - moving heavy furniture, dismantling shelving, sawing through plasterboard 

Found rogue section of bathroom plumbing, sealing tape eroded, steadily weeping into wall of bedroom.

Weeks later less wet - still damp

Removing storage though - lovely spacious room.

Embracing dampness

The Wee Willie Winkie Robber

Our house is situated on a crossroads, halfway down a hill. A wonky street light outside our gate is where people gather to sing songs, gossip and plan criminal activity. Over the road is patch of grass where general noise-makers like to set up shop and opposite our house is a big high wall - last year, a car of pink balaclava'd drug-stealers drove a stolen car into it and smashed it all down.* 

There's a squeaky front gate then a little patch of concrete before the steps up to our front door, by the side of the steps is a little nook to get to the side gate, Here's an inaccurate picture of our house

Dogs and people like using the little side nook as a toilet, to do drugs and have sex. The wall by the nook has a thick thatch of ivy where burglars like to park the tools of their trade, best scores so far are several bolt cutters and a heavy duty iron trolley.

Outside our squeaky gate the ivy rampages up the street light sending out prongs of vegetation to attack people walking by. Last week while giving the ivy a trim my shears hit tinny metal, I pulled out a brass candle holder, like the one Wee Willie Winkie used, it had a candle stump in it. I've bought it in and cleaned it off - it's a cheap, scarred little thing, it doesn't look like the spoils of a heist so I'm wondering if it's another burglary tool - maybe an old-school cat-burglar who hasn't heard about modern torches yet.

* two weeks ago - exactly a year after that the wall was smashed down - a bobble-hatted man and a skinny lad, turned up and built the wall back up. It was finished yesterday, a shiny big car pulled up next to it and a spivvy character in a suit and dark glasses got out, inspected the wall and signed it off as satisfactory.

 

Apple Time - Slug Time - Brazilians

Mabon is the pagan celebration of the autumn equinox, the image associated with this holiday is a fruitful apple tree. My apple tree was fruitful to a ridiculous degree this year, I can't collect them and give them away fast enough so the slugs have been pouring into the garden. Going into the garden at the moment is a squidgy affair.

After the Great Flood I needed help - mainly to fix the electrics and the roof. The electrician offered to send some Brazilians my way, they had just finished working on a big building project and were looking for employment.

My current Brazilian is very attractive, last week he was making things nice up inworking on the roof, he speaks barely any English and we both have enough  Spanish to ensure a continuous stream of misunderstandings. He arrives in the morning, I suggest 'Te o Cafe?' and he beams nodding enthusiastically 'Chocolat - si si si!!!' 

At midday Alejandra brings down his packed lunch and I make myself a sandwich then we sit in the garden looking at all the apples and slugs and he tells me about the numerous offspring he has seeded around the world, he sees my face and beams  'I can't help, I Brazilian...'

An actual god-sized bathtub of water tipped over our house last saturday

 

it came right into the house like the roof didn't even exist 

the stairs became a waterfall

what couldn't wait to come down the stairs squirted itself through the light fittings

I had that look on my face like Carrie after the buckets of blood dropped on her at the prom

 

Apart from that August hasn't been my favourite month this year.

Kanako returns!!!

The lure of bacon baps, donuts and quirky tableware was too much and she returned from Tokyo to come and stay with us for June and July. 

She tried swimming in the murky chilly water of the Bristol Channel, we also did Art and Musical Theatre but the main event for Kanako was a thorough investigation of England's cafes, cakes and charity shops. 

Accumulating pretty plates, tea sets that look like cottages and royal souvenir mugs during her visit - Kanako's homeward flight to Japan included a hefty clankage  of ceramic goods.

I miss her!

Battling

 

I've not posted this month because I've been waiting to ungrump but it's clearly not going to happen before tomorrow. 

I had a tooth out, then attended a dear person's funeral and then someone was horrid to me, then I spent a day in a hot traffic jam and all year my hormones haven't been working nicely.

I'm attempting to keep to at least one post a month so here it is.

Next month had better be better

Here's an employment opportunity

Battlefield Architect

Join our Future Battlefield Capability team ... You'll be developing new concepts such as Battlefield Effects Management and next generation open fire control systems in the context of large scale Digitised Battlefield Infrastructures.
You will be responsible for ensuring the integration of MBDA products into the wider battlespace. By interfacing with our customers directly, you'll identify their future capability needs, conduct investigation on potential solutions, and assess their feasibility as future products.

 

'Battlefield  Effects Management' sounds like it'll be basically working on something Star Wars or Marvel, it's all sounds Huge Fun doesn't it?

Exhibition alert!

I lurk around noticeboards, if you click on the 'small ads' tag at the end of this post a host of posts around the subject will arrive.

These public notices are short stories, often poignant, sometimes funny, sometimes sad -  they are an illustration of our society, describing loneliness and need. They show us who is vulnerable, and how labour is valued . 

There's a lot of everyday sexism in these places. I've not yet seen an ad where a woman offers a man a place to sleep in return for managing her home maintenance and social needs.

I've done an exhibition about this

 it is on in London at postROOM,

41 Ecclesbourne rd N1 3AF 

open from Thurs 25th May - 17 June

open thurs - sat 2-6pm

more about this project can be found on my other website

Smelly Cat

I was in London last month looking after a very hairy cat. My temporary home was a flat with  living room, kitchen, bathroom, bedroom and 'another room' I guessed what this room was for and tried to keep the door to that room shut but the latch wasn't strong and the cat could easily push it open and loved going in there. 

My mother paid a visit. She noticed the cat scratching at the 'naughty' door

What's in there?

Nothing much but the cat loves it and her fur gets very smelly in there.

Mum opened the door and took an investigative sniff - ah - cannabis - she's getting high in there

Offensive Waste Driver

 = Top job in my feed today - not sure how offensive they want but I'll give it my best shot.

 

I've recently been keeping company with  Belcher, a fat snorey old cat who lives in Cornwall

Cornwall  is a land of diverse residents. On leaving the main road to Lands End I follow signs to Gnome World then Screech Owl Sanctuary then Indian Queens,  I drive on past these delights - my destination is a pretend old village built by our newly Kinged Charles III.

Belcher is not impressed by the amount I feed him and is highly suspicious of me - if he's not giving me hard stares from his food bowl he stands sentry under a plant-festooned coffee table. On the rare occasions that I do feed him, I'm rewarded by an extensive and close-up washing ritual, his plumpness makes this difficult so it takes a while.

This is a drawing of last nights dream

 

Yesterday I drew a circle around a 'situations vacant' ad for a  'Senior Odour Consultant' 

Then I went to our local pub and  overheard someone explaining about biometrics, that her sister has a car that she can open without a key because the door handle can read her fingerprints, the person listening looked puzzled - So how does she start it up, does she have to lick the steering wheel?

 

Knitting and drugs

 

 

This morning our local church hosted the Community Keeping Active Christmas Luncheon*.   

For the luncheon I made a stack of salmon and cucumber sandwiches and carried them carefully up the steep hill to the church hall, I was a little late and the room was already buzzing with ladies in lavender twinsets arranging platters of quiche and sausage rolls. The men were all in properly smart suits with ties and Good Shoes. Here I learned quite a lot about the French and English yarn industries (genuinely fascinating) and  also more than I needed to know about badminton and exercise schedules.

After lunch  I went back down the hill, beyond my house and further on down until I arrived at the very glorious tattoo parlour where Frank, my current houseguest is working, I had been invited for a tour and was not going to turn down this educative opportunity. Frank used to be female, he has a lot of tattoos and  an impressive reputation for his work. He's not too keen on doing the sort of tattoos that people want him to do** but we all have to make a living.  Artwork was pinned up around each person's work station - someone was very keen on scenes depicting Egyptian sphinxes and Aztec gods overlooking landscapes of brightly coloured limbs climbing out of holes bearing bodily organs.

My afternoon learning was mainly about which drugs inspired what sort of artwork and also to be careful  about getting too popular for the work you do during the more transient phases of your life.

 

* I am currently living my life backwards: last week the church hosted the Community New Year Party  

**  wolves howling at psychedelic moons,  weeping faces ....