Tuesday, February 3

A Long Dark Tea Time Of The Soul

3rd February
Mrs Strange came by for coffee - and a rant about her slutty daughter-in-law. I didn't mention the tickets already bought for their return to Denmark but I did ask what will happen if they decide to leave.
That won't happen!
There is so much and nothing to say - luckily my house is too uncomfortable for anyone to want to stay long.

I'm a bit tired of all this and missing The Director. Going back to the UK would be worse, our house there is full of people getting ready for the next session of filming (there will be a machine to knurl metal clamped to the kitchen table and the floor will be scattered with polystyrene peanuts). There will also be people on phones arguing about contracts, scripts and money.

It seemed churlish not to attend the fundraising supper in the village at the weekend, but I hadn't reckoned on Bruno The Knob Destroyer. Bruno's been turning up here with bags of knobbly vegetables a lot lately. I've noticed that his drinking problem is getting worse, his wife has left him again and he smells of wee.

When I got to the hall, a phalanx of big-chested ladies were taking ticket money for the meal. Bruno was waiting at the door and had already bought my ticket, the ladies beamed at me. I gave in and went and sat opposite him on a long table, Bruno attempted to eat soup and focus his watery eyes on me at the same time – it was not a success.

At some point during the meal Mrs Druid got up, stood behind the man seated next to her and started massaging his neck. I find it fascinating what is and isn't tolerated around here, my neighbours believe that Mrs Druid is a member of a (probably) harmless cult, the massage provoked a lot of joking and general ribaldry. Bruno, slowly got up and swayed his way round the table until he was behind me and started stirring his hands around on my head, it was like the pretend hair washing I used to do on my Nan as a child. This had everyone falling about, I managed to convince Bruno that he had achieved miraculous results, even with a very small amount of stirring, he then went round the whole table rubbing everyone’s head a little bit until he found his seat again - He passed out soon after that.

27 comments:

  1. You are too kind. I can't deal with people rubbing my head - I might have destroyed Bruno's Knob.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your life is becoming very weird (I thought they'd cancelled Wicker Man II?). We haven't got a machine to knurl metal in our kitchen, but I want one.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh lordy lady, a drunk + no wife = some serious problems for you, esp as the director is not around. at least alcoholics are lacking in their sexual abilities, but....
    sorry to sound so henish but "been there & experienced that."
    i'm starting to wonder if you're in purgatory & vote to going back to the u.k., even with a houseful (got friends to bunk with?). you have done more than your fair share in that house - altho' the rest of us have really enjoyed the stories - but we're glad we're not there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. All that social hoohah and pretend rubbing - reminds me of when we lived in Hollywood. After a while you just kdon't know what is real or typical.

    ReplyDelete
  5. A man smelling of wee massaging your head?! Goodness me! You have a plot for a whole different kind of film... It's a pity Mrs P isn't around [she's trapped under a snow-drift in the Thames Valley... somewhere near reading], I'm sure she would have some appropriate advice.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  6. Let's hope that massaging your head is all he wants for buying you dinner. Hopefully his wife will soon return and put him under lock and key.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Druids and Knob Destroyers...

    I have a lot of catching up to do if I'm to keep pace here.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Katrocket - I don't mind my head being touched, although close proximity to bad aromas aren't good.

    BT - My life got weird a while ago - Boys love knurling.

    Deborah - Bruno is too old and pathetic to pose a threat and it's nt long before the troops are here in force.

    Lovely to see you Princess - I'm not kind, weird maybe.

    Bill - I think you've nailed it, when in a foreign country the rules get vague.

    Scarlet - There is a horror script emerging from all this.

    BG - I'm kinda hoping his wife will lock Bruno up - And I think he is too.

    ReplyDelete
  9. MJ - The saga has been going a few months. You'll catch up easy

    ReplyDelete
  10. Could someone act it out for me please, using hand puppets?

    ReplyDelete
  11. OK MJ - Deborah is coming over with her hand ppupets

    ReplyDelete
  12. You seem to be the only sane one there. At least in the UK, you have the polystyrene peanuts (I have to ask why).

    Could you ask Mrs Druid to read Bruno's vegetables, like chicken bones, and find out his future? Preferably one involving improved personal hygene and a safe distance from you?

    ReplyDelete
  13. Why does anybody need a machine to knurl metal these days - replacement parts for your Hasselblad, perhaps? I'm lost. But, then, it's late.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Madame D - Polystyrene peanuts for packing my dear.

    Mrs Druid is a far more disturbing prospect than Bruno.

    Gadjo - men always need machines to knurl stuff don't they? - these guys say it's essential to make little ribbons of curly metal shavings to scatter among the peanuts on the floor.

    ReplyDelete
  15. good lord!
    are you the only sane person 'round those parts Lulu? my shoulders were up around my ears in one big CRINGE as i read about the 'massage'.

    i'm surprised you didn't leap onto the table, brandishing the bread knife and shouting like a harridan at him to "unfurl your grubby mitts from my person!"

    ReplyDelete
  16. I might could tolerate his aroma, but not being touched by Bruno. High "ick" factor.

    ReplyDelete
  17. You're much kinder than me. I hate people touching my hair - I would have pushed him away with a jolt...and a smile.

    You sound a bit low. When will the Director et al return?

    ReplyDelete
  18. TP - sanity is a very subjective condition, I have frequent impulses to stab people but it seems to be frowned upon in this community so I only do it if I'm not going to get caught.

    xl- funny what we put up with isn't it? The comedy of the situation won me over.

    FF - Director and everyone back at the end of the month - if all goes to plan - I need to make the most of this tranquility while it lasts.

    ReplyDelete
  19. i have just the people to work on a puppet show - will have some of the slightly warped brilliant
    young(er) people i know address this!
    i think a puppet show with a vegetable reading as suggested by Madame would be good - any other side show to add?

    ReplyDelete
  20. *takes front row seat for puppet show*

    Where is the cocktail waiter?

    ReplyDelete
  21. I love stories involving a phalanx of big-chested ladies and head rubs.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Deb - Puppet show, vegetable reading ... Mrs Druid will do something she calls 'Archetypal Healing' or the men she has an eye on

    MJ - After the disastrous cocktailing going on when we put on a film show in october I'm going to getoutside help for the next show

    Wow - stick around, big-chested ladies aplenty here.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Deb - whoops that is supposed to read 'for the men she has an eye on'

    ReplyDelete
  24. Your village is a trip. Do you think there might possibly be LSD in the water supply? It would explain quite a lot of things.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Pru - I have been putting LSD in the water supply, do you think it's working?

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails