Friday, January 8

Communication Issues

My new client and I have been having hilarious misunderstandings this week, it is as though each of us is speaking in a language that sounds like English but is unintellible to the other.

Everybody’s version of a dish is unique but the first dishes I served in the Crazy White House weren’t at all what Madame had in mind. After a couple of tense episodes I suggested that Madame bookmark some of her favourite recipes in a few of her many cookery books, I would make these and thus get an idea about what sort of food they like eating.

The first recipe she handed to me is for ‘Spinach, Parmesan and Potato Soufflé’, I follow the recipe, it is delicious, Madame walks into the kitchen as I am withdrawing it triumphantly from the oven, she looks horrified, then tastes a bit and says;

It tastes of Parmesan, and it is green, I usually half the quantities for those things when I make it.


  1. Aha! She must have accidentally left "clairvoyant" out of the job description for the position!

  2. damn, xl stole my line! anyway, (as i attempt to find something witty to say)...(damn)...(ok, trying this) and that wasn't important enough to mention? (damn) (that wasn't even funny.). xoxoxoxo

  3. Oh God. I couldn't deal with this at all... she sounds like a wicked step-mother.
    Did you get to eat all the left-overs though?

  4. That's funny; I usually double the quantities. And, in this case, add pee.

  5. Run. Run away. Do it now before you even consider adding in that special pee ingredient. I would have done it last week!

  6. Aahh... the veil parts.

    All the food has to be white, too.

    Mashed spuds, lard shavings and Walls Artcic Roll (you'll have to eat all the jam yourself, though).

    Good luck, it sounds like you need it!

  7. I would just bitch slap her right then and there and be done with it.

  8. Perhaps you could recommend an appetizer of Kick in the Teeth? It will mellow out those salty Parmesan notes, and eliminate those embarrassing spinachy bits.

  9. Oooh. Argh.

    Feeling passive-aggressiveness rear its head against this woman

    (visions of breaking things, contaminating things, stealing things)

    Yep this woman is evil. Sorry there are so few jobs out there that you must up with this put.


  10. why does Madame have all these cookery books? do you suppose she's EVER lifted a finger.

    can we sneak something tasteless, yet quite unpleasant (ie, some nice ex-lax, etc.) into her chocolate ganache?

    poor you.

  11. oh silly you. all the best chefs halve half the ingredients in their recipes.... oh but only the right people know that.....

  12. Cow. And "It tastes of Parmesan, and it is green..."! I ask you. Are you sure this isn't some sort of wind up? Look for hidden cameras.

  13. i am having flashbacks reading about your latest job. she sounds like every woman i ever worked for when i was a nanny. gahh!

  14. xl - Actually I am a clairvoyant but the glare from the kitchen has upset my tuning mechanism.

    Hi Savannah - It's always good to hear from you

    Scarlet - she is a wicked step-mother. I'm too miserable to eat though - even leftovers.

    Mr Red - I usually double the quantities too, so I was being restrained in following the book. Good idea about pee.

    Scribe - I'm trying to run - but it's like one of those nightmares where my feet appear to be set in concrete.

  15. OMFG. How can you hold back and not force feed her the souffle?

  16. Kevin Musgrove - Mashed spuds, lard shavings and Walls Artcic Roll Yum!

    MJ - there might be some colour in the kitchen by the end of next week.

    Kat - There's a lot to be said for a kick in the teeth as a solution - I like it!

    Mrs Cow - You have hit the proverbial nail - it is the lack of alternatives that are keeping me there.

    Hello and welcome Ms Weight -

    Wealthy people with nothing much to do can fill their time in peculiar ways

    Nursey - I am feeling sooo out of the loop

    Gadjo - I keep hoping that Jeremy Beadle (is it still him?) will pop out and end the nightmare soon

    Ms Proj - she is of a 'type' that is for sure

  17. Lulu obviously this woman doesn't want food to eat she wants food to look at. Think Careme.

  18. OMG - would you like MOI to come and cook for her when I am there? She will all of a sudden fall on her knees and thank the heavens you exist. That's when I give you the signal for the mercy kill blow over the back of the neck!!

  19. You very well could be my new Shero! One of these days, when you have a minute, stop by my blog. I'd be honored to have you as a friend and/or follower! Keri (aka Sam)

  20. She is curiously observant and clued up about foodstuffs. Are you sure she's not an alien?

  21. Perhaps Madam White house would like this dish stuffed somewhere?

  22. Don't you just hate it when food tastes and smells of food? So vulgar.

  23. Oh Lulu! I seriously hope you can find some other work. Trying to please people who will never be pleased is so, so bad for the mental health.

  24. Met Mum - That may happen soon

    Inky - food to match the kitchen I guess.

    Ange - you would charm the socks off them - much easier to kill them while they are dazzled by your beauty.

  25. alpha - I do not currently believe there is a benevolent God

    Hi Sam - intrigued to know what is this Shero

    Madame DeF - Are you sure she's not an alien?
    By George I think you have the answer!

    bb - Madam White may well get this dish stuffed somewhere

    Glory - quite, if food tastes like food one would want to eat it - and then God knows what might happen!

    Ms Eyeball - I know, I know, I am already gnawing my fists

  26. On a happier note - your new banner is delightful! Cowgirl looks so joyous!

  27. Sounds delicious...can you email me a bit to taste?

  28. Why thank you Ms E

    Ellis, I've smeared some on the inside of the screen for you to lick off

  29. Get her onto the floor and sit on her.


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