Tuesday, January 5

New Year New Job

The year isn't starting well, I have a new contract to cook for a household in a posh bit of London and there's something a bit creepy about it.

The house is large and minimal, the kitchen glossy white and very blank, it is a sort of conceptual kitchen, no evidence of food to be seen.

The kitchen has a long central island topped with a huge slab of polished white marble, it is like an altar, a chic metal fruit bowl is in the centre of this island. On my first day I look longingly at this marble but sense that it is considered a holy place so I go instead to a corner where I can prepare the evening supper semi-clandestinely.

I was asked to prepare the supper, leave it in the oven, then tidy up and go away. I finished my day's work and left no apparent trace of having been there, just as I was about to leave my employer came into the kitchen and ran her hands over the pristine surface of the marble, saying
This needs cleaning I can feel things all over it

38 comments:

  1. "The rich are different from you and me."

    Nick Carraway
    The Great Gatsby

    I think I would find it disappointing to stuff it in the oven instead of properly presenting it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Perhaps the man of the house doesn't know she's hired a cook...

    ReplyDelete
  3. i wish my friends where still in knightsbridge or rather, still in london, sugar! they would have appreciated someone like you! xoxoxxo

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my, yes, it's always been a mystery to Cow too, those houses where everything is so clean and un-used.

    Where is all their stuff? How can they live without ever creating a mess? Cow always secretly wonders, maybe people in houses like that, are pods and not really human.

    Cow recommends a moo-vie for you called "The Perfect Murder" with Viggo Mortensen, Gwenyth Paltrow and some other famous guy, it's a few years old; the lady is rich and her kitchen is just like you describe, with a cook making dinner and leaving it in oven and going away, then there is an attempted murder in it, somehow Cow thinks you would like it, if you can find it.

    Cow kind of hoping Ms. Lulu finds a job where you don't have to work for these rich stuck-up prigs.

    Moo!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Perhaps a meal of SPAM and canned potatoes with a side of cottage cheese is in order ... no mess there!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Such a house should be lived in and cooked in. They don't know what they're missing, especially in you and your culinary brilliance. Keep soldiering on!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oooh, I don't like those kinds of places either. Perhaps you should serve them a conceptual dinner to go with their conceptual kitchen: a huge marble plate with nothing on it except the Sweet Smell of Success.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'd be tempted to take my pants off and sit my bare bottom on the marble counter..... though they've probably got hidden video cameras in the kitchen. Better scrap that idea

    ReplyDelete
  9. xl - The rich really are different from you and me.

    does excess money soften the brain?

    StefRobrts - No he's definitely spotted me - from a distance

    savannah - i wish your friends were still in london, I bet they'd be lovely

    Mrs Cow - I was kind of hoping to find a job with less OCD.

    Will check the movie you suggest. I saw one where a murder was committed with a frozen leg of lamb which was then cooked for supper

    Bill - Thanks for the tip, No Mess Meals are the daily order

    Scribe - houses do need living in - this one feels like a tomb

    Glory - you've got me worried now is

    "NO WIRE HANGERS!"
    a reference to a movie I need to see? I think this house has silent people standing in the wardrobes holding the clothes

    Gadjo Dilo - Sweet Smell of Success - brilliant name for conceptual dinner, I can feel an Art Work coming on...

    nursemyra - I've wondered about hidden video cameras - amazing how inhibiting the idea is.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Is your new employer famous? Spill! But not over the white marble.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh my. I already dislike your new employer, but I have a feeling the stories are going to be good. Hang in there, Lulu!xo

    ReplyDelete
  12. There I am eating cold beans off a plastic comb, and then there are folk rich enough to employ someone to cook for them!

    ReplyDelete
  13. uh huh. yeah. this lady needs medicating.

    I once babysat for a 4 year old whose mother used to come home at 5pm and go round the house lining up all the rugs to the exact millimetre tile alignments. At the time I thought maybe thats what normal grown ups do but ten years and two kids later..uh...NO. NOT NORMAL.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I can feel things too - my skin crawling. This feels like the start of an episode of Law and Order - the bit before they find the body. Get out! Get out! Get out!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I'm sort of oscillating between Nurse Myra and Moo... At first thought - I wondered if there weren't weird surgical operations going on, or funeral rights being held on the marble slab. But on second thoughts - don't put your finger up your nose in case you get invited onto the set of Candid Camera!! xxx
    Damn - when will you find a Nice rich person? I'm sure there are some SOMEWHERE!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Nowt as queer as folk!

    Or as we say here, "Odd as fuck"!

    :¬) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  17. Perhaps you should tell Miss Havisham to intercourse the bloody counter top!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Lulu, to clarify, the "No wire hangers" comment comes from the movie Mommy Dearest where Joan Crawford is accused by her adopted daughter of beating her with wire hangers when she was "bad." The house was immaculate, the children were immaculate and Mommy Dearest was a horrible, horrible mother (and human being).

    Scribe xx

    ReplyDelete
  19. Scarlet - she'll never say - she will take it to the grave with her (not that I'm being dramatic or anything)

    Cone on then - share some recipes. You never revealed your favourite dessert that time - you teased us with it but did not deliver.

    Hope you are not missing home too much.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  20. Frenchie - I reckon it's Edina Monsoon.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  21. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUZdXUI3VKo

    Then she makes her scrub the clean floor with bleach. It's a camp classic. But also very sad.

    ReplyDelete
  22. I'm surprised your employer could feel anything with that broom up her ass...

    I can't wait for the stories though.:)

    ReplyDelete
  23. I had a girlfriend like that once.

    Never. Clean. Enough.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Sounds kinda neurotic...kinda like wife.

    ReplyDelete
  25. I once knew someone who had two kitchens: one immaculate never used one and another for microwaving pizzas, she was quite the scariest woman I'd ever met. Run away...

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ms Eyeball - Thanks I am wallowing in self pity right now and need lots of sympathy.

    Scarlet - like Ms Fancy says
    'Can't tell - it's more than my jobsworth'

    kat - I'm think I'm starting to get one of those Stockholm complexes and quite like my captor/employer.

    Emerson - myumyum - cold beans off a plastic comb, the new dual-use tableware

    Screamish - this lady does need medicating - but so do I.

    ReplyDelete
  27. You're leaving out crucial details here Lulu. What's she wearing while stroking the marble?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hello circus monkey - I am trying to make an escape plan - but she keeps confiscating my spoon.

    Ange - don't put your finger up your nose in case you get invited onto the set of Candid Camera!!

    I know it's bloody murder, I'm spending hours on make up before `I go in to work now!

    Mapstew - Funny how wealthy enables Odd as fuckness

    Donn - I'll tell Miss Havisham to intercourse the bloody counter top on my way out.

    Scribe - Thanks, I've just looked Glory's link


    Alphawoman - now are you happy with your job you have many strange people to deal with but they're all passing through.

    Ms Fancy - True I will take it to the grave - or wait until later.

    God that recipe, I've forgotten which is my favourite now.

    I am missing home too much though so probably should try making this wretched dessert (if it is indeed my favourite) and then post about it.

    Scarlet - Edina Monsoon, I wish, go more towards that red-haired woman in Desperate Housewives

    Thank you Glory - Now I've seen the clip I can see where this job is going

    Ms Assassin - I had to remove the broom for her.

    Mr red
    Never. Clean. Enough.

    That's.how.it.is

    bb mcclain - you have a wife like this - go now!

    Eryl Shields - two kitchens
    That is a clue.

    Nice to see you here
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. Trust you to sneak in like that Inky - well it's been a different outfit every day but leathers, feathers and zips seem to be popular

    ReplyDelete
  30. I'm always uncomfortable in houses that seem like weekend supplement shots.

    If she's going to do that anyway it would be a shame to have a huge expanse of marble and not do any baking.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I'm so sorry to hear that you are missing home so much - it was inevitable I guess. It doesn't exactly sound like the milk of human kindness where you currently are. There's no easy way to get through it I reckon - accept that tears and wallowing are going to happen from time to time and then go and buy some shoes.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  32. How do you know that about the hand-runnning-over-the-marble? Admit it, you've hidden a camera in a pineapple and placed it in the fruit bowl.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Kevin - I'm dying to do some baking on that slab. Sunday supplement 'homes' have always made me anxious.

    Frenchie - Shoes and cakes - that's what makes the blues disappear!

    Met mum - She did it just as I was about to leave, but I will adjust the post to make that clear.

    I have planted cameras though so I can see what happens when I'm not there.

    ReplyDelete
  34. Waaaou !! Of the change ! Very very beautiful :)
    Ce n'est plus une cuisine , c'est un labo !!! Et Monsieur est tatillon ??
    Ça va pas être de la tarte , il faut ce le farcir ...
    Pour Monsieur ce sera plus épicé ( un peut de poivre rend amoureux ) !!

    Te souhaiter une bonne année n'est pas un vœux pieux ! Avec quelques bises pour la route :)


    This no longer is a kitchen , this is a laboratory !!!And is mister nitpicking ??
    That will not be pie , it is necessary this to stuff them ...
    For Mister this more will spiced ( a pepper stength renders in love ) !!

    To wish to you a good year is not a pious vows! With some kisses for the road:)

    ReplyDelete
  35. Bonjour Crabbers, not sure if I need a spicier Mister right now, but this kitchen is more of a morgue than a lab

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails