The year isn't starting well, I have a new contract to cook for a household in a posh bit of London and there's something a bit creepy about it.
The house is large and minimal, the kitchen glossy white and very blank, it is a sort of conceptual kitchen, no evidence of food to be seen.
The kitchen has a long central island topped with a huge slab of polished white marble, it is like an altar, a chic metal fruit bowl is in the centre of this island. On my first day I look longingly at this marble but sense that it is considered a holy place so I go instead to a corner where I can prepare the evening supper semi-clandestinely.
I was asked to prepare the supper, leave it in the oven, then tidy up and go away. I finished my day's work and left no apparent trace of having been there, just as I was about to leave my employer came into the kitchen and ran her hands over the pristine surface of the marble, saying
This needs cleaning I can feel things all over it
Cobego.
-
Once again (cf. 2016, 2019), I was looking something else up in my
three-volume New Great Russian-English Dictionary when my eye was caught by
an odd entry...
1 hour ago
Posts
"The rich are different from you and me."
ReplyDeleteNick Carraway
The Great Gatsby
I think I would find it disappointing to stuff it in the oven instead of properly presenting it.
Perhaps the man of the house doesn't know she's hired a cook...
ReplyDeletei wish my friends where still in knightsbridge or rather, still in london, sugar! they would have appreciated someone like you! xoxoxxo
ReplyDeleteOh my, yes, it's always been a mystery to Cow too, those houses where everything is so clean and un-used.
ReplyDeleteWhere is all their stuff? How can they live without ever creating a mess? Cow always secretly wonders, maybe people in houses like that, are pods and not really human.
Cow recommends a moo-vie for you called "The Perfect Murder" with Viggo Mortensen, Gwenyth Paltrow and some other famous guy, it's a few years old; the lady is rich and her kitchen is just like you describe, with a cook making dinner and leaving it in oven and going away, then there is an attempted murder in it, somehow Cow thinks you would like it, if you can find it.
Cow kind of hoping Ms. Lulu finds a job where you don't have to work for these rich stuck-up prigs.
Moo!
Perhaps a meal of SPAM and canned potatoes with a side of cottage cheese is in order ... no mess there!
ReplyDeleteSuch a house should be lived in and cooked in. They don't know what they're missing, especially in you and your culinary brilliance. Keep soldiering on!
ReplyDeleteUh-Oh...
ReplyDelete"NO WIRE HANGERS!"
Oooh, I don't like those kinds of places either. Perhaps you should serve them a conceptual dinner to go with their conceptual kitchen: a huge marble plate with nothing on it except the Sweet Smell of Success.
ReplyDeleteI'd be tempted to take my pants off and sit my bare bottom on the marble counter..... though they've probably got hidden video cameras in the kitchen. Better scrap that idea
ReplyDeletexl - The rich really are different from you and me.
ReplyDeletedoes excess money soften the brain?
StefRobrts - No he's definitely spotted me - from a distance
savannah - i wish your friends were still in london, I bet they'd be lovely
Mrs Cow - I was kind of hoping to find a job with less OCD.
Will check the movie you suggest. I saw one where a murder was committed with a frozen leg of lamb which was then cooked for supper
Bill - Thanks for the tip, No Mess Meals are the daily order
Scribe - houses do need living in - this one feels like a tomb
Glory - you've got me worried now is
"NO WIRE HANGERS!"
a reference to a movie I need to see? I think this house has silent people standing in the wardrobes holding the clothes
Gadjo Dilo - Sweet Smell of Success - brilliant name for conceptual dinner, I can feel an Art Work coming on...
nursemyra - I've wondered about hidden video cameras - amazing how inhibiting the idea is.
Yep. Uh oh. Sorry to hear this.
ReplyDeleteIs your new employer famous? Spill! But not over the white marble.
ReplyDeleteSx
Oh my. I already dislike your new employer, but I have a feeling the stories are going to be good. Hang in there, Lulu!xo
ReplyDeleteThere I am eating cold beans off a plastic comb, and then there are folk rich enough to employ someone to cook for them!
ReplyDeleteuh huh. yeah. this lady needs medicating.
ReplyDeleteI once babysat for a 4 year old whose mother used to come home at 5pm and go round the house lining up all the rugs to the exact millimetre tile alignments. At the time I thought maybe thats what normal grown ups do but ten years and two kids later..uh...NO. NOT NORMAL.
I can feel things too - my skin crawling. This feels like the start of an episode of Law and Order - the bit before they find the body. Get out! Get out! Get out!
ReplyDeleteI'm sort of oscillating between Nurse Myra and Moo... At first thought - I wondered if there weren't weird surgical operations going on, or funeral rights being held on the marble slab. But on second thoughts - don't put your finger up your nose in case you get invited onto the set of Candid Camera!! xxx
ReplyDeleteDamn - when will you find a Nice rich person? I'm sure there are some SOMEWHERE!
Perhaps you should tell Miss Havisham to intercourse the bloody counter top!
ReplyDeleteLulu, to clarify, the "No wire hangers" comment comes from the movie Mommy Dearest where Joan Crawford is accused by her adopted daughter of beating her with wire hangers when she was "bad." The house was immaculate, the children were immaculate and Mommy Dearest was a horrible, horrible mother (and human being).
ReplyDeleteScribe xx
Yuck.
ReplyDeleteScarlet - she'll never say - she will take it to the grave with her (not that I'm being dramatic or anything)
ReplyDeleteCone on then - share some recipes. You never revealed your favourite dessert that time - you teased us with it but did not deliver.
Hope you are not missing home too much.
xx
Frenchie - I reckon it's Edina Monsoon.
ReplyDeleteSx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bUZdXUI3VKo
ReplyDeleteThen she makes her scrub the clean floor with bleach. It's a camp classic. But also very sad.
I'm surprised your employer could feel anything with that broom up her ass...
ReplyDeleteI can't wait for the stories though.:)
I had a girlfriend like that once.
ReplyDeleteNever. Clean. Enough.
Sounds kinda neurotic...kinda like wife.
ReplyDeleteI once knew someone who had two kitchens: one immaculate never used one and another for microwaving pizzas, she was quite the scariest woman I'd ever met. Run away...
ReplyDeleteMs Eyeball - Thanks I am wallowing in self pity right now and need lots of sympathy.
ReplyDeleteScarlet - like Ms Fancy says
'Can't tell - it's more than my jobsworth'
kat - I'm think I'm starting to get one of those Stockholm complexes and quite like my captor/employer.
Emerson - myumyum - cold beans off a plastic comb, the new dual-use tableware
Screamish - this lady does need medicating - but so do I.
You're leaving out crucial details here Lulu. What's she wearing while stroking the marble?
ReplyDeleteHello circus monkey - I am trying to make an escape plan - but she keeps confiscating my spoon.
ReplyDeleteAnge - don't put your finger up your nose in case you get invited onto the set of Candid Camera!!
I know it's bloody murder, I'm spending hours on make up before `I go in to work now!
Mapstew - Funny how wealthy enables Odd as fuckness
Donn - I'll tell Miss Havisham to intercourse the bloody counter top on my way out.
Scribe - Thanks, I've just looked Glory's link
Alphawoman - now are you happy with your job you have many strange people to deal with but they're all passing through.
Ms Fancy - True I will take it to the grave - or wait until later.
God that recipe, I've forgotten which is my favourite now.
I am missing home too much though so probably should try making this wretched dessert (if it is indeed my favourite) and then post about it.
Scarlet - Edina Monsoon, I wish, go more towards that red-haired woman in Desperate Housewives
Thank you Glory - Now I've seen the clip I can see where this job is going
Ms Assassin - I had to remove the broom for her.
Mr red
Never. Clean. Enough.
That's.how.it.is
bb mcclain - you have a wife like this - go now!
Eryl Shields - two kitchens
That is a clue.
Nice to see you here
xx
Trust you to sneak in like that Inky - well it's been a different outfit every day but leathers, feathers and zips seem to be popular
ReplyDeleteI'm always uncomfortable in houses that seem like weekend supplement shots.
ReplyDeleteIf she's going to do that anyway it would be a shame to have a huge expanse of marble and not do any baking.
I'm so sorry to hear that you are missing home so much - it was inevitable I guess. It doesn't exactly sound like the milk of human kindness where you currently are. There's no easy way to get through it I reckon - accept that tears and wallowing are going to happen from time to time and then go and buy some shoes.
ReplyDeletexx
How do you know that about the hand-runnning-over-the-marble? Admit it, you've hidden a camera in a pineapple and placed it in the fruit bowl.
ReplyDeleteKevin - I'm dying to do some baking on that slab. Sunday supplement 'homes' have always made me anxious.
ReplyDeleteFrenchie - Shoes and cakes - that's what makes the blues disappear!
Met mum - She did it just as I was about to leave, but I will adjust the post to make that clear.
I have planted cameras though so I can see what happens when I'm not there.
Waaaou !! Of the change ! Very very beautiful :)
ReplyDeleteCe n'est plus une cuisine , c'est un labo !!! Et Monsieur est tatillon ??
Ça va pas être de la tarte , il faut ce le farcir ...
Pour Monsieur ce sera plus épicé ( un peut de poivre rend amoureux ) !!
Te souhaiter une bonne année n'est pas un vœux pieux ! Avec quelques bises pour la route :)
This no longer is a kitchen , this is a laboratory !!!And is mister nitpicking ??
That will not be pie , it is necessary this to stuff them ...
For Mister this more will spiced ( a pepper stength renders in love ) !!
To wish to you a good year is not a pious vows! With some kisses for the road:)