Thursday, April 8

Slugs and Snails

This week I have been cooking in the depths of rural England, back to the house where little girls danced with whales, here are some of the week’s high- and low-points

1. The place is now full of little boys - the meals were appropriately themed; last night’s supper was worms in a compost heap followed by mud pie with extra dirt.

2. This is a no-electronic-games-allowed household, most of the boys were outside, happily running around thwacking things, but I discovered a sad-faced child called Oscar in the pantry, he was fingering something he called a DS. He agreed to wash his hands and help me make pizzas.

3. Oscar wants to be an actor and shows great promise, after flinging something to the floor during supper, his mother insisted that there would be no mud pie until he picked it up, he left the room roaring
I am now going to kill myself

4. I stayed on the premises this time, I dislike 'living-in’, but it’s a long commute and The Director is away stalking vampires.

My bags were taken to a converted barn adjacent to the main house; a vast split level space with fat oak floorboards and stone gable ends - it is wonderfully empty, a bed one end, a sink the other and a huge old tub somewhere in the middle. It is the old hay loft and harness rooms and is over a mill race - in daylight the sound of the stream rushing under the building is charming. At night I realised that the big empty space of my apartment is a supersonic amplifier, it was like being trapped in a giant’s bathroom with a broken flush - I have not slept a wink for four nights.

5. There is no internet or phone signal at the house so I found a big empty pub with wifi. I went there this morning at 9 am and sat down at the only table with an electric socket, then some people came in; two couples and a teenage boy, none of them appeared to have a neck and they were clearly all very closely related. They walked past the empty tables and came to sit with me - they weren’t being at all friendly, finally one of the men said
We always sit here

6. While I was preparing supper tonight Oscar lurked nearby, finally he asked me
What do you really do for a living?

Photo by Mark Peterson


  1. Hilarious stuff Lulu, sounds like that pub is straight out of that tv show "League of Gentlemen"

    PS: my vibrator's name is Oscar

  2. Mud pie with extra dirt we had that everyday when I was growing up!

    You must get yourself some earplugs.

    I am really beginning to wonder if the name maketh the man: I know two little Oscars and they are both very much like your Oscar, very dramatic and inquisitive.

  3. Now that Oscar's onto your game.. What are you going to tell him? Are you going to ask him what HE really does for a living too? I have never heard a giant flush but can only imagine that it must be like Victoria falls so I suggest you listen to the others and buy ear plugs, or that you pop over here and drown yourself ... in silence ;-)

    How did Oscar smuggle a DS in? Is he working under cover?

  4. Tell him you eat children who ask questions. It usually works until they're about eight.

    Also, ditto on the League of Gentlemen comment. It's a local bar, for local people.

  5. As I understand it, an Orgone Accumulator does wonders for sleep deprivation!

  6. Oooh, it's like 'What Lulu Did Next'.

  7. Good heavens, you do pick 'em don't you! One wonders whether it's better to push Oscar outside in order to be thwacked or simply to leave him in the pantry perhaps for ever.

  8. Nursey and Eryl - are all Oscars great performers, we should do a survey!

    Eryl and Ange - Ok I've succumbed to earplugs - I wanted the water to become poetic, I thought if I could just get into the flow I would find it divine.

    I already know what little boys do for a living Ange - mostly it's breaking stuff, Oscar could be a part-time spy though.

    Ms Assassin - I do eat children who ask questions.

    xl - I've borrowed Whiplash's OA for my next trip there.

    Synchy - is that a Good Thing?

    Gadjo - I'm happy to leave Oscar in the pantry - he can come out when he's ready.

  9. Next time drag in a large extension cable and plug it in around them, saying 'I always use this electricity.

  10. If the little boys had the compost heap, worms and mud pies what did the little girls have? And don't you dare 'sugar and spice' me now, Madam.

    Poor Oscar hiding him and his illicit game in the pantry. I feel a bit sorry for him.

    Boo to the giant's flush

  11. What a life Lulu leads!

    "We always sit here"!

    I love it! :¬)


  12. I always sit there too, because sitting anywhere else hurts my goddamn neck. And when I kill myself, it will be entirely your fault.

  13. Funny stuff Lulu and what we're thinking, everyone knows 'they' always sit there!!

  14. Glory - great idea!

    Frenchie - What do little girls like to eat? - 'Vampire Boyfriend in His Coffin' and 'Dancing on Ice Cream' of course!

    Mapstew - Are the locals not like that round your way then?

    Red - great to see the tantrum practise is paying off!

    FJ - I did realise that the bar ladies were waiting to see what would happen

  15. I don't understand this new-fangled obsession with washing hands, cooking kills germs. And Oscar, if he fits in the oven.

  16. We always sit here....just about sums up their life goals, doesn't it?

  17. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

    I wish I could be a fly on the wall in the places you go.

  18. Why do *all* places that offer wifi have just the one table close to an electric socket?

  19. Inky - Obviously the oven is an Aga in this location, Oscar will not fit whole - but I did find a solution

    Mr Fly - You were thinking what I was thinking

    K - Thank you - come over here and get insulted with me.

    25bar - funny that isn't it - I had tried a greasy spoon café the day befoer and had to share a plug with the condom machine

  20. Good grief... where are you?

  21. Oscar sounds like a really charming little lad.

    I think I'd like that loft.

  22. Lulu, you are one hilarious bunny. I'd much rather read your blog than write my own at the moment. Keep it up. I'm lovin' it.xxxxx

  23. 'vampire boyfriend' made me laugh. Did you make him look like R Patts?

  24. Scarlet - Witney!

    BB - bring earplugs

    Joeyjojojojojojo xxxxx

    Frenchie - Even I can't make a sausage look like a twit?

  25. "What do you really do for a living?"

    That's the funniest thing I've heard today, thank you. I'm still chuckling. Because I had that said to me once, in a field, at 3am by a inebriated and weaving couple as I packed up one of the vans after an off-site wedding reception. They were hoping I'd unlock more bubbly since the bar had shut.
    I explained I couldn't possibly since I was an indentured slave on a work-release programs for criminals, they forced us to do catering so we would never be naughty again and when have you ever heard of slaves having keys?

    It was a joke, but, I guess I said it with a straight face and conviction because my Boss cornered me later the next week with, "Slaves don't get paid, dear, remember that."

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  27. Kitty - that wonderful story has put a smile on my face.

  28. Incredible that pubs even have WiFI now? Last time I was in England was 1991 and obviously nobody would have EVER expected 'high tech' to invade the social circle of the 'local' pub.
    Very enjoyable post - WRITE MOREEEEE! W.C.C.


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