Tuesday, November 18

Heffalump Trap Part II

18th November
Early this morning I was washing my hair when I heard loud rapping on the front door. Thinking it might be a delivery I ran to get it and found Old Dad there.
Come early - before midday, I don’t want the postman to know you’re there. We’ll shut your bike in the garage and then I can close the shutters and lock the door and it’ll look as though there’s no one in.
That’s ridiculous
No really if the postman sees you he’ll tell every one
Why would we be worried about that?
Well I don’t want the postman to know
(What are we talking about here?) Well I won’t come then

My hair was dripping and I was caught off-balance. Old Dad just repeated that he’d see me before midday. Then he walked off.

I spent the morning slashing at swathes of thistles and thorns but by noon I was still feeling thoroughly disgruntled. On the way to Old Dad’s house I passed the bar which was open - that stopped me in my tracks. Being a nosey parker I wandered in. A strange young man was sitting at the bar, his hairline has receeded right over the back of his head the remaining strands have been grown long and combed-over. I also think he might have gained weight recently because his clothes don’t meet in the middle. Kurt (up already!) introduced him as 'Ed from Toulouse who has recently moved near the village’.

Last week I put flyers around advertising our upcoming film show at the village hall and the cassoulet supper in the bar afterwards. I learn that the supper is already booked up. The event is this Sunday, I got Kurt talking about cassoulet and it became apparent that he had neither eaten nor made a cassoulet in hs life, I started panicking, then Ed said
I’m from Toulouse I’ll show him how to make a cassoulet

My brain didn’t know what to think then, so I left, and went for lunch, I was late, the postman had been and gone and I insisted we left the shutters open and the door ajar as usual.

I sat down and it was all a bit tense, Old Dad handed me a large tumbler of neat Ricard
Thanks but no, water will be fine – I need to get back to work soon
Glasses of various sorts of alcohol were poured for me over the following long hour, they lined up untouched across my side of the table.

Conversation didn’t flow easily. I resorted to asking him about his upcoming heart operation - he can usually go on about that at length, but today he didn’t seem in the mood to talk about that or his bad leg, or the way he’s a martyr to heartburn.

Finally, as I pushed back my chair and made leaving noises, he said in exasperation
what do women like - how can someone like me give a girl a good time?
I suggested that he pop up the road and ask our lovely neighbour Hélene
Old Dad roared at me
Hélene – she’s nearly 80, what would I be wanting with her?


  1. Such tales you weave. I was enchanted.

  2. I am thinking he was thinking that he had a date with you. Non?

  3. Hi Ian - Old Dad and enchanting are not words I would put in a sentance together

    KSV - I have far too much ranty stuff inside me to make a readable post about the amount of men who translate 'bonjour monsieur' as 'lets get naked'. But yes Old Dad did assume that I had got my husband out of the way purely so that I could grab my moment with him. Do they do that round your way?

  4. totally creepy lulu. Randy old bugger. But all men are arrested at mental age 18. And no doubt should be arrested.

    I was getting totally paranoid for you for a while. If no one saw you arrive or there, and there was no trace of you (hidden bike etc) he could have manacled you in a cellar, for keeps.

    Well, not really, other than when it does, improbably, happen. Better tell him it's all in the blog.

  5. Actually Ernest I had started imagining baths of acid - well scary.

    Is that true that you guys are all mentally arrested at age 18 - why?

  6. Glad you got out in one piece!

  7. lulu - I think it has to do with hormones and an adiadochokinetic obsession with sex, coupled with handy fantasies posing as reality such as "she's gagging for it".

    This seems to get established by 18 and doesn't go away. It allows octogenerians to believe that they are in with a chance.

  8. Adiadochokinetic!! Fantastic word Ernest - I'm going to make it my mission to drop it into conversation at every opportunity.


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