Sunday, September 5

Antenatal Nerves

I found the ideal site for our office three months ago - I imagined that the process of moving to new premises would give me material for dozens of hilarious blog posts. All the clichés were there from the start; on-again-off-again deals, scandalous incompetence, rascally landlords, and the sound of heavy machinery gouging money from seams that I had no idea existed.

I had no idea how busy I’d be with emotional turmoil as I ricochetted between hysterical excitement at the thought of having a house that we can live in again ... and friends might want to come and visit ... and there wouldn’t be shit all over the table ... so I might want to cook supper in my own house instead of running away to do it in other people’s kitchens ...

then the paralysis when it occurs to me that it might not be real

We’ve got no budget left for this move so I’ve been scavenging where I can. I went to the local wood recycling yard a month ago, they had just received dozens of hardwood drawers that were being thrown out of a youth hostel, a truck delivered all of them to the back of my house that afternoon. I’ve also been doing quite a lot of ebay trading ... I now have a mountain of furniture and dead animal parts high enough to seriously block our light (that photo’s just the first section), the weather has become truly evil, with some flimsy tarpaulins I am desperately trying to protect my treasures from biblical rains and hurricane-force winds.

Last week when my solicitor had been ignoring my increasingly desperate calls for a full fortnight, I sat in my now dark house and wondered whether the whole move thing was all in my head, like some sort of grotesque phantom pregnancy.


  1. I feel your pain, Lulu. Moving house is hard at the best of times, and especially when you're working around film equipment et al!

    There will always be a place for you in Canada, even for a visit!

  2. Buying and moving to a new house is always fun - especially if you enjoy poking yourself with sharpened sticks while feeding raw meat to sharks.

  3. I'm no theologian, but I think you may be dealing with Khnum, Egyptian god of creation and the waters.

  4. Why do you need a solicitor? They only get in the way.
    Do it yourself...easy peasy and that way you're in control.

  5. All those drawers and a ram's skull.... I love it! hope things settle down soon darlin' xx

  6. This move is beginning to sound like another block of jelly. You're going to need your wrestling togs!

  7. It will happen. When you watch Phil and Kirsty and they have some Mariah Carey standard picky people who hate everything they see, or you have Kevin McCloud trying not to chortle at someone reconstructing a roofless fourteen bed manor house with lollipop sticks on a budget of a coupon for a packet of frazzles, and they follow them up a couple of years later, they are almost always happily in their dream home with a fantastic looking kitchen.

    Perhaps you just need to arrange to have the film crew follow you up - maybe that's the magic ingredient.

  8. it all sounds too horrible for words, i think i need a drink now, in commiseration and in your honor of course, i promise. (((lulu)))) good luck, sugarpie! xoxoxox

  9. Glory has the right idea: get it all on film as a documentary so that you can recoup some of the costs. It's a shoo-in, especially if you're all wearing your wrestling togs and jelly features highly.

  10. I’ve been doing a lot of wood recycling lately too. It all started when I joined a splinter group.
    Thanks for this most amusing post.
    I hope that you soon get things sorted out.

    All the best, Boonie

  11. Yes, get it on film. Perhaps you can cut in images of hyenas and water buffalos in order to keep to the company ethos.

    Does your solicitor know who you are?

  12. You could send the boys round to film your solicitor in his natural environment. Or else capture him and keep him in an ant farm. Whichever works the better.

  13. Scribe There will always be a place for you in Canada, even for a visit!
    Cheers Scribe - I'm packing my bags right now!

    Will - hmmm Do you often poke yourself with sharpened sticks while feeding raw meat to sharks?

    xl _ I am the earthly representative of Khnum actually

    Mrs fly - Next time I bloomin' well will.

    Nursey the ram's skull is just the beginning...

  14. Alesa - I have been in my wrestling togs without cease darling

    Glory - I always thought those wildest dreams people ended up bankrupt

    Sav - Sweetie, i will join you in that drink xx

    Kevin - Telly Schmelly, never let a film crew near you

    Boonie S a splinter group
    a great pun from a young sapling

    Eryl Does your solicitor know who you are?
    She doesn't know nothin' I have lots of names for her though!

    Kevin - Cruelty to ants is not part of our ethos!

  15. After reading this: "I now have a mountain of furniture and dead animal parts high enough to seriously block our light," I called A&E for them to do a show about you. They might try to take you away in a white van afterwards, but don't worry, it's just to make you better.

    You can thank me later. I like Marc Jacobs bags, beef jerky (expensive kinds though), and Strawberry Mentos.

  16. Lulu - well, yes. Or divorced. Or pregnant. But I just focus on the kitchen.

  17. Or worse yet, the solicitor is *you*. Your split consciousness. And moving houses is a desperate plea for sanity. And somewhere, deep in the bowels, Scotty is telling anyone who will listen that he's an engineer, not a magician.

  18. Sounds awful. But I'd like to know more about the dead animal parts - is there something we need to know?

  19. Yes, I'm also very intrigued about the 'dead animal parts'. Are you thinking about shooting a horror documentary?

    I need to tell you that your last metaphor -some sort of grotesque phantom pregnancy- is just brilliant. I cross my fingers and toes for your tresures.

  20. Oh Lu, it will be alright - you will get your house back and all the working stuff out in its own place. You will honest - in time for when I come to stay.


  21. Nice to meet you Vodka - I would be grateful to any emergency vehicle that turns up now.

    I only stock expensive jerky xx

    Glory - yup focus on the kitchen - it's the only safe place

    Red - my whole life is a desperate plea for sanity

    Mme D and Leni. Animal parts might get more time later

    Frenchie - do all stories work out well in the end?


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