Wednesday, February 16

Trying Not To Kill People

Once upon a time our business consisted of two Camera Boys, Miss Whiplash and a big pile of kit, our main concern was to insure against bad men running off with a camera or the film stock getting eaten by tigers.

Now that we have a proper grown-up out-of-the-house building and lots of people, the responsibility for not killing people is mine all mine.

Paperwork about Regulations and Compliance rain down on me. I’ll have just filled in a stack of forms for security arrangements or arranged fire warden training, when another hazard looms. I dream that a giant rabbit is living on my lap, every few minutes it burps and gives birth to several kittens and I have to keep them all within my capacious skirts - they keep dropping on the floor and some of them break and I have to scoop them up and hide the bits in my pockets and try and glue them back together when no-one is looking.

I’ve just subjected myself to some intensive coaching about how to be a good employer, my coach is patient. To deal with different situations, he suggests scenarios where I imagine putting on a succession of different coloured hats or confronting a series of doors, there are diagrams too - one looks like a hairdryer.

Yesterday afternoon I had set up a broad range of policies and contracts and insurances, I thought I had it all covered...

I had forgotten the rogue fourteen year old who I rashly said could come and do a week’s work experience with us in the summer. Today I got a phone call from the child labour inspectoriate demanding an interview, they want to come and grill me and my premises and look at my policies ...


  1. Terrific artwork. And, do you now wear a starchy pressed uniform, complete with hat, braid and epaulets? (A riding crop would be a nice touch.)

  2. Arghh! That mire of paperwork! Good luck to you,lulu

  3. I see you as the fearless Captain Lulu of SS Great Britain, safely delivering your charge of bunnies through the bureaucrat- and shark-infested seas!

  4. Oh, for goodness' sake!

    Coaching about how to be a good employer....if you are not, you would not have gone for coaching...get a grip woman!

    Though these days I suppose if you have not wasted money on this whatnot some crafty not wishing to work while claiming benefit person would have you over a barrel at whatever the modern equivalent of an Industrial Tribunal might be.

    (From long retired employment law lawyer...)

    Personally prefer sharp work with whip and chair...

  5. Ah the delights of red tape....

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  7. And are all your coaches roadworthy????
    Just something else to think about.

  8. Bill - I do now wear the starchy pressed uniform, complete with hat, braid and epaulets? AND riding crop would be a nice touch. I was fed up with Whiplash being the only one in uniform round here

    idlethoughts - Tempting to set fire to it.

    xl - that is such a nice image but it's more like Pirates of the Caribbean

    Ms fly 'get a grip woman!'

    I have ... on a large bottle

    Ms Whiplash gets all the sharp work with whip and chair...

    Nursey - red tape is only nice when it's made of liquorice

    Scarlet - thanks darlin' (can you bring over some more whiskey please?) xxxx

  9. Just back from have to check out the Biosfera Bosawas...worth roughing it.

  10. Fear not: I may be available for bullshitting workshops later in the year.. ;-)

  11. Ms Fly - sounds good - as it happens I am heading somewhere in that direction soon (I probably won't be allowed time off to visit though)

    Kevin - Please come over and distribute your wisdom - we pay in cake or jam, which do you prefer?

  12. You have just crafted the best metaphor ever. That is a thing of beauty, even if the stuff which inspired it is a pain in the hoohaa.


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