Wednesday, February 16

Trying Not To Kill People


Once upon a time our business consisted of two Camera Boys, Miss Whiplash and a big pile of kit, our main concern was to insure against bad men running off with a camera or the film stock getting eaten by tigers.

Now that we have a proper grown-up out-of-the-house building and lots of people, the responsibility for not killing people is mine all mine.

Paperwork about Regulations and Compliance rain down on me. I’ll have just filled in a stack of forms for security arrangements or arranged fire warden training, when another hazard looms. I dream that a giant rabbit is living on my lap, every few minutes it burps and gives birth to several kittens and I have to keep them all within my capacious skirts - they keep dropping on the floor and some of them break and I have to scoop them up and hide the bits in my pockets and try and glue them back together when no-one is looking.


I’ve just subjected myself to some intensive coaching about how to be a good employer, my coach is patient. To deal with different situations, he suggests scenarios where I imagine putting on a succession of different coloured hats or confronting a series of doors, there are diagrams too - one looks like a hairdryer.


Yesterday afternoon I had set up a broad range of policies and contracts and insurances, I thought I had it all covered...


I had forgotten the rogue fourteen year old who I rashly said could come and do a week’s work experience with us in the summer. Today I got a phone call from the child labour inspectoriate demanding an interview, they want to come and grill me and my premises and look at my policies ...

12 comments:

  1. Terrific artwork. And, do you now wear a starchy pressed uniform, complete with hat, braid and epaulets? (A riding crop would be a nice touch.)

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  2. Arghh! That mire of paperwork! Good luck to you,lulu

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  3. I see you as the fearless Captain Lulu of SS Great Britain, safely delivering your charge of bunnies through the bureaucrat- and shark-infested seas!

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  4. Oh, for goodness' sake!

    Coaching about how to be a good employer....if you are not, you would not have gone for coaching...get a grip woman!

    Though these days I suppose if you have not wasted money on this whatnot some crafty not wishing to work while claiming benefit person would have you over a barrel at whatever the modern equivalent of an Industrial Tribunal might be.

    (From long retired employment law lawyer...)

    Personally prefer sharp work with whip and chair...

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  5. Ah the delights of red tape....

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  7. And are all your coaches roadworthy????
    Just something else to think about.
    SX

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  8. Bill - I do now wear the starchy pressed uniform, complete with hat, braid and epaulets? AND riding crop would be a nice touch. I was fed up with Whiplash being the only one in uniform round here

    idlethoughts - Tempting to set fire to it.

    xl - that is such a nice image but it's more like Pirates of the Caribbean

    Ms fly 'get a grip woman!'

    I have ... on a large bottle

    Ms Whiplash gets all the sharp work with whip and chair...

    Nursey - red tape is only nice when it's made of liquorice


    Scarlet - thanks darlin' (can you bring over some more whiskey please?) xxxx

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  9. Just back from Nicaragua...you have to check out the Biosfera Bosawas...worth roughing it.

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  10. Fear not: I may be available for bullshitting workshops later in the year.. ;-)

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  11. Ms Fly - sounds good - as it happens I am heading somewhere in that direction soon (I probably won't be allowed time off to visit though)

    Kevin - Please come over and distribute your wisdom - we pay in cake or jam, which do you prefer?

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  12. You have just crafted the best metaphor ever. That is a thing of beauty, even if the stuff which inspired it is a pain in the hoohaa.

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