Thursday, August 20

Crimes and Misdemeanors



Miss Whiplash is due in court today and we’re all hoping it won’t result in a custodial sentence this time. We’ve had a few discussions as to the best outfit to wear for the judges and I think she might be reducing the leopard print accessories for the occasion.

I’ve never actually made it to court but that’s not for the lack of being naughty, I’ve had several sphincter-clenching moments when I’ve fully expected to be taken away by a policeman and locked up for a very long time. I started a list of my best closest near misses but it just rambled on and on so I'll cut to my top favourite brush with the law of all time:


One of the recording studios where I worked had a big farmhouse kitchen, I cooked and we all sat down and ate together, we drank just water, no wine. After supper the musicians, producer and engineers would go back into the recording studio and continue working.

Larry Klein arrived to record one day and that first evening his wife joined us for supper. Larry’s wife at the time was Joni Mitchell, she had spent the afternoon smoking weed with Dawn, one of the studio employees. They were in high spirits and when the boys went back to work after supper, the girls wanted to get booze and cigarettes and asked me to take them somewhere to stock up.

My car was an A35 manufactured before my birth date and as Dawn got in the back and Joni sat next to me lighting another joint, my mind was obliterated by one repeating thought

I have Joni Mitchell in my car

As we swept into town another thought joined the first

I forgot to get the MOT* done
which distracted me a bit.

Then Dawn said
You’ve just gone through a red light

and there’s a police car behind you

it wants you to pull over


Now my head was full of the newspaper headlines

I got out of the car and smiled sheepishly at the two policmen who said:

Did you know that you jumped a red light back there?

Yes I’m really sorry


We’ve been following you for quite a while actually, we’ve not seen one of these for a few years, d’you mind putting the bonnet up and starting the engine so we can have a look?


And they never noticed the stoned rocker.

*it's a legal requirement to have a valid MOT certificate and the police would normally have asked me to present this document.

37 comments:

  1. Perhaps these policeman hadn't seen the new adverts for stoned rockers?!
    Have you seen them? They're hilarious, if you haven't seen them then please look out for them. I'll see if they've made it to Youtube yet.
    Sx

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is my internal soundtrack as you guys drive away from the policemen.

    Don't it always seem to go
    That you don't know what you've got
    Till its gone


    PS: Best wishes to Ms Whiplash on her court date.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I can't believe you had Joni Mitchell in your car! WOW!

    ReplyDelete
  4. a) that's #$%#! cool that you had Joni Mitchell in your car
    b) you have some seriously good karma

    ReplyDelete
  5. vintage, sugar, absolutely vintage! i wouldn't tempt fate nowadays, but back in the day...xoxox

    (ok, i had to pick myself off the floor re joni mitchell in your car...)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Haha, what a great story! Who can say they've had a stoned Joni Mitchell in their car? NO ONE!

    OK possibly a lot of people, but hardly everyone!

    Joni's from Saskatoon you know, via Alberta. I've been to both those places! That's as close a connection as I have to her.

    ReplyDelete
  7. What crazy luck that the cops were cars fans rather than music fans!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I was so hoping you were going to do a Joni anecdote after what we mentioned the other day. I'd like more please - namedrops galore.

    I'll do one - Rufus Sewell kissed my hand when I gave him tea and bikkies

    ReplyDelete
  9. p,s, - have you ever driven stoned? I've only done it once because I drove so ridiculously slowly that a 20 minute journey from Baker Street to Highgate took 75!

    ReplyDelete
  10. This time? What happened to Whiplash last time? And what's she done anyway? Yes, I know, innocent until proved guilty and all that, but what's she done? Is it too bad for your blog? Do say yes.

    ReplyDelete
  11. that was my first car (bought it for 10p) the van version, as in wallace and gromit. so rusty you could see the road flashing by through the holes in the floor.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Scarlet - Thanks for the link I did listen to a yawnsome interview about it on the radio recently.

    xl - That song is my internal soundtrack whenever I think of her too.

    Will pass good wishes to W - thanks

    StefRobrts I can't believe you had Joni Mitchell in your car! WOW!

    The only reason I believed it was the scrunched up cigarette packs in the front seat well and the overstuffed ashtray!!

    kate - I don't think I've had anyone cooler.

    I have had a lot of odd things in my car though including a pig once


    sav - At a certain age we think we're invincible

    Wow, That Joni is nothing but trouble!
    Yeah and I haven't even told what she got up to the next day!!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Mrs Assassin - Yep I think she's had a lot of car rides - and does a lot of smoking

    Saskatoon sounds lovely

    Dedene
    What crazy luck that the cops were cars fans rather than music fans!
    I'd have had the book thrown at me in usual circs

    French - Rufus Sewell kissed my hand when I gave him tea and bikkies


    I'm impressed - what had happened before the tea and bikkies - or is that classified?

    On the driving stoned thing, like you just once and when I noticed that pedestrians were overtaking me I parked the car on a traffic island and continued on foot

    inkspot - Whiplash is too striking to be naughty inconspicuously. I won't give details - yet

    Ellis - the van version is the best. Bloody heavy vehicles weren't they?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Since Joni is the COOLEST Canadian ever..
    OK her and Neil Young...
    that makes you the COOLEST person that I know :)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I can't believe that someone who had Joni Mitchell in her car visited my blog! I feel almost, someone.

    ReplyDelete
  16. So what did she get up to the next day??? I am a huge fan of Joni Mitchell. And SO curious!

    ReplyDelete
  17. [off topic]

    My last comment at Ammonite Notes From The Field earned a reply from The Director! :)

    ReplyDelete
  18. Nah, nowt like that - where I used to work was associated with a lot of film, theatre and tv people (accountancy practice) - I was pratice manager but when it was someone I liked I became tea lady :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Good heavens, I reckon Joni Mitchell is just about the greatest poetess that rock music ever produced, and you had her in the back of your car, which was an A35!! The police have a hard enough job to do without talking to stoned Canadian poetesses.

    ReplyDelete
  20. note to Donn - Lenny Cohen is cool too :)

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oh my, hate the law interfering with life, or the life of anyone nice.

    Hope Whip is not wrongfully done...

    Supportive Moo!

    ReplyDelete
  22. "You just picked up a hitcher
    A prisoner of the white lines on the freeway"

    ReplyDelete
  23. Donn - I'm going to go with Frenchie and put Mr Coen up for at least equality on the Cool Canadian title.
    I love being the coolest person you know though, I'm now going out to celebrate that title


    Eryl - and a very cool someone


    Mrs Mum - We went shopping...!!!

    xl My last comment at Ammonite Notes From The Field earned a reply from The Director!
    Isn't it great that he's dipping his toe into blogdom?

    Frenchie - the old tea lady disguise ... did you push a trolley?


    Gadj - I don't think they saw her through the smoke haze.

    Mrs Cow - we are celebrating her continued freedom - I am especially happy as we are planning an adventure together and I want to write about it.

    MJ - and I picked up that particular hitchhiker a few more times along the way with and without the white lines...

    ReplyDelete
  24. We're not talking about the real Lindi St Clare are we?

    ReplyDelete
  25. Damn, you got stoned with Joni Mitchell? I am so freaking jealous!

    Good luck, Miss Whiplash!

    ReplyDelete
  26. I should have gone for the fag-ash Lil with knotted scarf on my head look really -but then I wouldn't have been flirted with.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Joni Mitchell in you car? Bloody hell, I thought you were just taking the piss.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Cool! An A35!

    You can get away with a lot more nonsense in an old car than a new one. The police work on the basis that anyone driving a car more than twenty years old must have a sense of humour.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hello Dear Lulu - Dying to hear more about Ms. Whiplash and her infraction. I guess you are being circumspect in not sharing more details. I will hope for more later...

    When you started talking about Joni Mitchell here I thought you were just being clever,the way you are, with a new silly name for one of your cohorts, sort ofthe way I call my son "Shackleton." Then I realized, no, she means, THE Joni Mithcell. OMG! I am one degree of separation not only from Kate Bush, but also Joni Mitchell. Well, I am not such a long-time JM fan, but I have satellite (sp?) radio now and there seems always to be a Joni Mitchell song on one channel or another - or maybe she has her own channel, whatever. I am learning about her now and I know all these musicians worship at her altar. The point is, at last, that the wonders of your blog never cease! Glad you slipped the noose on the occasion recounted here. Take care.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Glory - Miss W has actually been contacting Lindi for advice in these sort of situations!

    Pru - Miss W has a reprieve and we're hoping she'll get off

    Frenchie - You'd probably do better working the French maid type of tea lady.

    Emerson - when have you known me take the piss?

    Kevin - Making sure you only get caught in an old car - is that how you get away with all your misdemeanors?

    KSV - thank you my friend
    xx

    ReplyDelete
  31. What a great story. What a unique experience. And no, you don't want to go to court and you don't want to be locked in a cell. I have done both. But, I guess it works It certainly tells you that you never want to do it again. And I haven't.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm humbled by your brushes with fame. I can only stand and admire from a distance, content to bathe in the surrounding radiance. You're officially cool.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Mr W - Miss W tells me that there are upsides to life inside, seems one can pick up some great connections ... just in case!

    Mme D - Stop it now! you're making me feel like an Icelandic geyser

    ReplyDelete
  34. Oh wow - that's a fantastic story, and I thoroughly enjoyed the way you've written it. Oh, to spend the afternoon smoking with Joni and Dawn...

    ReplyDelete
  35. You should've let Joni drive. When I was young and dumb, I had several near miss handcuff moments.

    I wouldn't have been able to drive at all if Joni Mitchell was one of my passengers.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts with Thumbnails