Thursday, August 13

Vicky Pollard's Sister Cuts My Hair

The prospect of an interview in London meant that I finally had to face the fact that I needed a haircut. Most of my French and English hairdressing visits have been quite harrowing, the French ones are fierce and tut when I refuse their advances with the lacquer can and the English ones have a tendency to weep about their boyfriends - or they give me too much detail about wedding outfits and child care.

All I needed was someone to cut a straight line across my shoulder blades, I’d left it to the last minute, the Spanish barber over the road advertises that he is unisex so I stopped by to see if he could fit me in.

Turned out that Manuel was not actually unisex himself but he does have a ladies basin and chair looked after by a disarmingly candid and fast-talking teenager called Laura, her accent the broadest Bristolian, here’s a reference for it in case you’re not familiar:

I was going to get a dry trim, making the visit as speedy as possible but Laura was lovely and made a remark about her employer that was so deliciously indiscreet that I found myself asking what she’d charge for a cut and blow dry, she threw in a special offer just for me she said:

Today I’ve got an offer on of twenty five pound, normally it’s thirty five pound but Jasmine’s left and taken all the customers with her and the book’s empty now so me and Doreen are trying to get more people in.

For the hour it took to ‘do’ me she bathed me in a stream-of unedited chat prompted by my answers to her questions:

Laura: Going anywhere special tonight?’

Me: Just the cinema, I’m going to see Coco Before Chanel

Laura: Oh I love that. I got one of those artificial bags down the market. I love quilted stuff. My Nan made loads of quilts. Mum doesn’t like them though she thinks they’re too hot....

And I learned loads of useful stuff too, for example, if I bought just 10 issues of The Sun newspaper and collected their tokens, I could get a holiday for £9.50. You wouldn't get that information in a Vidal Sassoon salon.

It was the most fun I've ever had at a hairdresser's - I shall go back there.


  1. re coco, the MITM just saw that film on the plane! but i digress...
    the clip was hilarious, sugar! i would have stayed in the chair just to listen to her! i swear, isn't it the absolute best to find someone who gives a good cut and entertains as well? ;~D xoxox

  2. That amuses me much :)

    "Chanel" !!!

    I from of deduced that you saw "Le Fabuleux Destin d'Amélie Poulain" or "Dirty Pretty Things " ?

    I cut the hair of my sweet half and makes even his color !

    Et d'ici j'entends parler ces Dames !

  3. there is absolutely nothing better than better than being entertained AND having someone play with your hair at the same time. Relaxing and stimulating all in one. I'd go there for a wash and cut too, too bad I live across the pond! dang!


  4. I need a cut badly, do you think Vicky's sis would "do" me too!? Is it wrong I could practically hear her when I read that?

    Once, when I was visiting a friend in London, I got a haircut from someone who looked uncannily like Waynetta Slob from the Harry Enfield show (if you remember that?) Scary!

  5. My stylist serves me wine AND is très amusant!

  6. I've always wanted to visit Wales and try the rarebit. I wonder if The Sun offers a Welsh holiday for £9.50?

    The place I get my hair cut charges the equivalent of £9.50.

    I'm a bit A.D.D. tonight.

    Oh Hai MJ!

  7. Ah, Britain Britain Britain! I used to get my hair done here for free 'cos I bought the girl in question the scissors; now she's top stylist at Gore Vidal Salons Romania and won't even give me the time of day.

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  9. Sav - did MITM enjoy Coco?

    Crabbers - oui j'ai vu ces deux filmes. Moi - j'ai aussi besoin améliorer le couleur - tu peut passer chez moi bientot?

    Kate -I love having my hair washed - I will have an in-house hair-washer when I'm wealthy.

    Mrs Assassin - If you want a cut badly Vicki's sis could do that too - say you want to look like Boris Johnson

  10. MJ - I shall come to Canada for the next session - I can feel a tv programme coming on Round the World in 100 Haircuts

    xl - I think rarebit in Wales is exactly what The Sun is offering

    Gadj - Shame! - But you obviously have an eye for talent.

    Nice pattern - I think you're a Japenese ad for penis enlargement but so pretty I will leave you there.

  11. If anyone clicks on the pattern and their computer blows up let me know and I'll delete it

  12. I also have the weird box person on my blog... I'm too scared to click on it.
    I had a young hairdresser once who told me about her flat mate who was carving out a career as a porn star. Extremely entertaining.

  13. Oui ! Si ce n'est pas un blond douteux ( d'un blond incertain ) !

  14. Son nom "petite chaton" certainement au 69 rue de la poupée qui tousse !
    Cela vente des jeux ,vidéos et autre sex toys !! Et c'est du chinois bien entendu ...
    Il se propage comme la grippe H1N1 !
    Pas encore arrivé chez moi ... :)

    Its name "small kitten" certainly to the 69 street of the headstock which coughs !
    That sale of the plays , vidéos and other sex toys !! And it is of Chinese of course...
    It is propagated like influenza H1N1 !
    Not arrived yet at home... :)

  15. oh that phone sex clip was hilarious!

    as funny as that hair encounter sounds, Lulu - i would be in heaven if, when i went to the hairdresser, she didn't speak one single word to me.

    i spend all day talking bollocks to people. silence is AWESOME!

    Scarlet? i demand you go back to that hairdresser and find out what happened to her flatmate!

  16. Scarlet - I'm with Ms P, get the full skinny on Pron girl friend.

    Ms P - yep I like silence too, but there are some sorts of bollocks that I really enjoy

    Crabbers - Je suis un brunette trés certaines - sauf les jours quand je suis un peu roux

    Not keen on these 69 kitten hairballs, I will delete them

  17. Brunette !!! Wahou !!!! Too much !

    All contaminated ,Daphne ( still in ramble ),Scarlet,Gadjo ( who does not see me, but I do not think about it less !)la banane de gorille et même Dame Clarissa ...Etc...!!!

  18. Is there such a thing as a Chambourcey hippopotomousse? I loved that clip - I bet I'd be good in a sexed up call centre.

    anyway...I bet your hair looks great - do you keep swinging it around?

  19. I would break out laughing if I ever heard a real live person talk like Vicky. You must have been s***ing yourself!
    Hope your hair looks fabulous!

  20. Hope the interview goes well!

  21. he did, indeed, sugar! honey, he'd watch audrey tatou sell toothpaste! i mean to tell y'all, he even watched da vinch code because of her! xoxo

    (by the by, i reported that kanjii spam as phishing to gmail! and then deleted it)

  22. Crabbers - if even Clarissa is infected le virus du etre trés méchant.

    Frenchie - I fancied having a go on the sex lines too, it would have to be in one of those call centres though where you could hear what everyone else was saying.

    Dedene - my hair flaps like a glossy flag - a veritable shampoo advert

    Thank you Eric - think it did

    Sav - clearly a man I would get on well with

  23. ya but no but ya but no but ya this is hilarious! My BFF Crystal Visions sometimes dresses up as Vicki to entertain friends at dinner parties.

  24. Is it possible to provide too much detail about one's boyfriend or childcare? Apparently! The things I have learned from you, Lulu, would fill a book.

    I loved this post and I wish I were there to have my hair done too. A holiday for less than a haircut! Even a discount haircut? The mind boggles. Hoping to hear more about the London interview presently.

  25. I could do with an haircut. A shave too. Starting to look like Mackenzie Crook's character in Skins.

  26. I badly need a haircut (while there's still some there!) The Major recommends a place in the Bohemian quarter of Kansas City. It certainly looked nice enough when I was over that way last. I've noticed a new place in Manchester that looks like it might actually be a barber's, which I'm working my way up to investigating.

  27. Guess Cow has been living under a rock, but 25 pounds for a haircut and blow dry equals 50 bucks US which is really expensive in Topiary ville.

    Next time just stop by here and Topiary will quickly trim your hair in the shape of an airplance or a cute puppy for free, AND will keep the trimmings to start little new hair-dos from.


  28. Kat - OMG your friend looks exactly like Laura (it was a unisex salon!)

    K - yes - amazingly childcare and wedding outfits have never been a hit in my parade of interests - but budding porn stars and bosses doing something scandalous with the woman upstairs, I'm all ears.

    Emerson and Kevin - It sounds as though you need to join forces to find one of those proper barbers to give you hot towels and the whole works.

    Mrs Cow - I would love my hair to take the shape of an airplane - I'm coming right over

  29. I popped back in to find out who miss m is. Go on - tell me


  30. HAHAHA. I almost fell off my chair. I hope she 'did' you alright? As long as you don't look like Vicky's sister...

  31. May your trim go well and thank you for the pleasure your blog gives. Always a delight.

  32. It's been a while since I read the Sun, on the Tube.

  33. Metmum - she 'did' me great - I did put on a pink fleece after!

    Thank you Mrwriteon

    Welcome David
    - me too, I had quite forgotten the Sun existed!

  34. I hate sitting still to get my hair did too, but who could resist a cut from such an elegant creature as Vicky's sis? You should let her chav your hair up.

  35. My young hairdresser gave up hairdressing to work in a Solicitors office.
    What is Mr Crabbers saying? Have I done something wrong? I always worry.

  36. Pru - I am looking at getting extensions in a contrasting colour.

    Scarlet - Crabbers says we all have the Chinese lurgey - nothing pesonal, we are all doomed, possibly!


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