Tuesday, September 1

Girls On Film

Crumbs! – I thought I had sorted out a lazy escape for Miss Whiplash and myself - but it looks like we’re going to have to work for it after all.

We have some euros left over from a previous production that need using up - but they must be used for filming business. With my customary brilliance I suggested that we do a recce for the next leg of ant filming which will be in Spain.

What I meant was, that we could try out some hotels and restaurants to see which would be the best for the film crew to use, but the producer has just emailed me several detailed pages of instructions about the things he wants finding out, here are a few of the issues to be explored:

… film the ant colonies to give us an idea of size and density, have Whiplash stand in for scale in some shots … need to know the activity of the ants – when do they first get going in the morning … perhaps this depends on light hitting their nests … When do they stop … what will the weather be like when we plan to film … how will the weather then affect ant behaviour … video some ants fighting to give us an idea of what happens … would be good to get an idea of the day-to-day activity of the ants … What other species of ants are nearby … interview ant scientist to give us an idea of what he is like on camera

Despite this setback I'm still looking forward to it, if I can get Whiplash's tag off we're going next week.


  1. Well, damn. That looks like a lot of work, especially the ant stalking part.

    I've a feeling though that you and Miss Whiplash will find a creative way to get some quality R&R time out of it.

  2. hold on, miss whiplash has an ankle bracelet/movement monitor on????? damn, wtf, did she do? ;~D xoxoxo

    (re: your research - y'all will get to go to spain to do it, right?)

  3. Are there any plans to breed genitically modified giants ants? There'd be useful in construction. Or war.

  4. mmm - a trip to spain with miss whiplash? sounds like an interesting week and i am sure m.w. will do a great stand-in for ants....

  5. May I suggest giving the ant scientist some sort of prop to enhance his on-camera performance?

    Perhaps a set of Jerry Lewis Nutty Professor teeth?

  6. xl - we're thinking of taking Cake Boy with us to do all that work, he might have to camp.

    Sav - only if I break the bracelet - I am sworn to secrecy about her actual offense.

    Mr Marks - I bet they are making GM ants.

    Debs - Hope it's fun, you'll get a full report.

    MJ - Great idea - teeth or those crazy spiral eye glasses.

  7. If only ants could talk. Your job would be so much easier!

  8. Definitely still a trip to look forward to, you can set the camera in position, post a guard, and meet the ant scientist in the bar. Can't you?

  9. Could you not find one of those colonies of fire ants that live in hotel laundries?

    ("He might have to camp" - just because he makes cakes!)

  10. You know, not a lot of people use "CRUMBS!" anymore and it's a forgotten art if you ask me. I aim to incorporate it into my daily vernacular because it is just too fantastic not to. Plus I was looking for an alternative to, "Oh FUCK!" Now I can be stylish by yelling, "Crumbs! I'm late again, I'm going to get fired!"

    Thank you, man!

  11. Ants? I particularly liked your boss' request to find out about the weather and the ants' respective behaviour. Do they get moody when it rains? And how are you going to predict the weather?

  12. Wow that does sound like quite a lot to do on holiday! And is it a stupid question to ask how you can tell if it's the same ants awake and active outside the nest, or if they're doing relays and taking it in turns to nap?! Keep us posted!

  13. It mightn't be so bad. Maybe the 'ant scientist' will turn out to be hot.

    And a Ms Whiplash sure beats using a fifty pence coin to show scale...

  14. Back to the ants - hola instead of bonjour though

    Sunblock at the ready

  15. Asks a lot of questions this producer chappy, doesn't he? It's almost like he expects you to do actual work. Most infra dig.

  16. One more: find out whether ants go to sleep at night.

  17. Wow - I have commissioned some GM talking ants, they'll be arriving soon.

    Eryl - Girl after my own heart - I like the way you're thinking.

    Kev - I guess I can hope that we find some 'hotel laundry ants'

    "He might have to camp" - just because he makes cakes! and?

    Mrs Assassin - My pleasure - an art I've learned through losing too much beer money to the Swear Box

    Mrs Mum - I shall have to make charts won't I?

  18. Daisy - never say 'Holiday', it can never be a holiday, even when it is a holiday it has to be a 'sabbatical'.

    I think painting spots on them will be my method for tracking

    Glory Maybe the 'ant scientist' will turn out to be hot.

    That's what I'm hoping

    Frenchie - It always comes back to ants

    Mme D
    Asks a lot of questions this producer chappy.

    I think it's what I employ him for

    find out whether ants go to sleep at night
    Inky - do you think ants are like terrestrial Swifts, and they have to keep moving all their life?

  19. Do the ants in Spain speak Spanish on the plain?

  20. "...have Whiplash stand in for scale... Hmm, but won't everything and everybody - no matter what size they actually are - look very small and puny conpared to Ms W??

  21. While in Spain you could also video some Ants fighting Bulls, boredom, extradition, Moors, exhorbitant long distance charges, beligerent boorish Brit soccer hooligans disguised as touristos, and the long term effects of having antsy-pants.

    I love your job :)

  22. I neglected to mention how much I enjoyed your exotic montage of vintage pinup gals caught in the moment whilst capturing the splendor of the termitic phallic wonderment before them.


  23. I don't see much conflict with that agenda and plan A. Existentially speaking, ants get going in the morning about the time you roll up. And stop when you go (it's tiring being an ant, and I'm sure they only put on a show when they're watched). And I bet the ant scientist will be more entertaining on camera after some Moet.

  24. BB - I will ask, but I suspect it will be Catalan Spanish

    Gadjo - did I not mention, this film will be called Attack of the 50 ft Ant Woman

    Blimey Donn - that's a tough list but we have already filmed Bull Ants.

    That is actually what we look like, but glad you think we cut it as pin ups.

    Brother T - How did I know that you'd put forward the philosophical case for sloth

  25. I forgot to mention how much I like the images you attach to each post. Are they all from the same site?

  26. Glad you like them Frenchie, I always go to the www.softporn/anthill/cake/popstars/toys.com site - you can get everything you need from that one.

  27. "and..."

    You're going to point out that you're far too young to remember Round The Horne...

  28. Lulu, I can't resist pointing you to the (very short) spider video at the end of the Sagittarian's 31 August post (http://morecanterburytales.blogspot.com/).

    Think you should organize a scoping visit!

  29. Kevin - What this 'Round The Horne' - one of your saucy videos I suppose?

    Brother T - Great tip, I did indeed visit the spiders - and Ms S's gorgeous cleavage.

  30. This producer needs to be educated on the proper use of the "junket" and personally, Cow thinks Ms. Lulu is just the one to do it!

    Should Lulu need to make the point, an ankle bracelet will be a sturdy punctuation mark. When slung, naturally.


  31. I now have on my to-do list: "introduce Lulu to the delights of Julian and Sandy and J.Peasemould Gruntfuttock."

  32. Doing preparatory work in advants of the actual filming of ants, well, that is excellent...... anticipation !

    Another instruction to add to the mission list is perhaps :

    - Kidnap queen ant to be held hostage so the others will perform as expected

  33. all i can say is you have an outstanding blog!!!!! so much awesome!

  34. Mrs Cow - We've strapped the bracelet to one of the Boys, hoping the police don't notice.

    Kev- I'm on to it - doing relevant research on Gruntfuttocks this after.

    Brilliant Owen - kidnap the quenn and they will have to reveal all.

    Thanks Damion.

  35. I suggest you spend budget on a visit to the original ant farm http://www.treehugger.com/files/2008/03/ant-farm-exhibition.php
    then pretend it was all a silly misunderstanding

  36. Je reste un "FAN" de la présentation !!( comme ...009 et ... Fancy )

    En France comme du côté de la catalogne ,nous le savons tous, la fourmi croonde ! ( Four micro-ondes )
    Reste que la solution est le guidage par satellite , le plus compliqué étant de fixer un collier autour du cou des fourmis , elles ne se "laisse" pas faire !!

    In France as on the side of the catalogne , we all know it , the ant croonde ! ( In French , Four micro-ondes )
    The fact remains that solution is guidance by satellite , the most complicated being to fix a necklace around the neck of the ants , they is not let make !! :)

    * j'embrasse la reine des fourmis ;) *

  37. I think the Director is onto something. FIGHTING ANTS! You could make an entire series of DVDs about that, you know. Insect cage matches might be the Next Big Thing.

    Does this mean there won't be any future posts about hot hotel hijinx with you and Miss Whiplash?

  38. Crabbers - Tu es mon FAN le plus chaud. Et oui, les collier sur les fourmis, pas evident - mais je le ferai!

    Kat - This could be the start of hotel hijinx which I might report - if any of them are clean enough


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