Wednesday, February 10

Swimsuits In The Kitchen...

My days with Crazy White House Lady are nearly done and I have been looking for alternative employment. Agencies are sending me to meet potential clients, today I went to see an archetypal Chelsea couple who want a chef for their summer residence;

I had a very early appointment, Madam showed me in to their apartment, her Chanel suit made me think of the way I decorated birthday cakes as a child, her make-up and coiffure are solid enough to last a month if necessary, eyelashes mascara'd like black gerbera daisies, hair appears to be a safety feature.

She talks in the loud confident tones commonly heard in Harrods and at the better ski resorts. Her husband, grinning at her side, interjected occasionally;

People will come through the kitchen in their swimsuits you know

I will want to come in picking at the food – you have to slap my fingers

But mostly we are silent while she talks at length and I get lost in the details of the room and things like her fingers and earlobes which are encrusted with round knobs of jewellery, I suddenly heard her saying

...I move the table around a lot, sometimes it’s at one side of the room, sometimes the other and I often have it put out on the patio, there’s lots of tableware ...and flowers I love doing all the design...’

When it was over I walked up the road for breakfast at the Victoria and Albert Museum and ended up staying in the building until it was time for my date with CWH Lady.

Later I checked the small ads
This was one I thought I might go for


we are looking for a lady who can cook indian food for 1 time + body massage.
can be around 21-26
urgent require,
pay=£250 for cooking + £50 for transport between zone 5-6 + 150 Body massage.


  1. 450 quid? Hey, I'll give it a go!


  2. Can they be more specific? Do they expect you to cook the food WHILE providing the body massage? :) Or use the food FOR the body massage? Inquiring minds need to know.

  3. You have to go for it, if only to tell us all about it afterward.

  4. "you have to slap my fingers"

    The subtext is discipline?

  5. Chanel Lady sounds a whole lot better than CWH lady.

  6. actually they both sound similiar. the first one wants you slap his hands and the second wants body massage.

    do they teach either in chef school?

  7. Hmm, it's a small step from "I move the table around a lot, sometimes it’s at one side of the room, sometimes the other and I often have it put out on the patio" to "Sometimes we don't eat for days because I can't decide whether the garlic should be crushed or chopped when the moon is in this phase".

  8. Yes Lulu, please answer that ad, make sure you're wearing safety feature hair though. just in case.

  9. Map - That's what I thought

    Mrs Assassin - call the guy and ask, I put the link up

    Eryl - That's how I'm looking at all my current propositions

    xl The subtext is discipline?
    It usually is

    Ms eyeball - Chanel Lady sounds a whole lot better than CWH lady.
    she's more energetic - I'll say that

    Mrs Weight - chef school can be quite brutal

    Gadjo - I think you've spotted the way this job will be going

  10. Chelsea Couple sounds fabulous...I'm looking forward to your posts already. By the way what IS that toy found on the floor of CWHouse? Is it a doggie toy..or something seedier? The shovel shaped end looks...awkward...

  11. Nursey - there' a lot to be said for safety hair I've already discussed it's merits here

  12. Screamish - that's what I thought when I took the photo a very kind commenter has reported that dogs like these things - I think they're dual use myself

  13. well, sugar, at the very least, they might be entertaining! ok, for us, maybe not so much you! xoxoxo

  14. I move the table around a lot = I tell my staff [this is you Lulu] to move the furniture all the effing time and then rage at them for having done so because I was full of gin at the time and have forgotten about it. So water her gin and remember to top it up with juniper essence, trust me it's best.

  15. I am just loving your job search! (I'm sorry that you have to actually endure it, but I hope it is consoling that it is working out great for me).

    It would be hard to resist a prospective employer who has invited you to slap her hand. I wonder if she'll remember that bit if it comes to any actual slapping.

    I got to the Cafe at the V&A myself on the Great Trip of 2008. Oh I wish I could meet you there to look at want ads, eat the food and take another look at the Great Bed of Ware! Keep us posted. Can't wait to hear what happens next.

  16. Margot and Gerry eat your heart out.

  17. Sav - it is often entertaining for me too - not always though!

    Inky - great tip with the gin, I'll be using that one.

    K - It is great that the job search is working out great for you

    Funny how many employers like a bit of discipline

    Glory - totally Margot and Gerry, I wanderd in from a different sitcom

  18. cook and massage - sounds like a day at our house...


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