Monday, March 29

Head Gear

In Bristol the protracted editing frenzy has finally died down, the editor has moved on to edit someone else’s film, Zena is on an Arctic Ice Tiger Wrestling Safari and Cake Boy is attending a cake-eating marathon on a European ski slope.

This leaves just myself, two Camera Boys, Miss Whiplash and The Director in the house/production office.

The two Camera Boys are young and excitable, they went through an excessive hair phase recently. This spring it seems that it is all about hats; Miss Whiplash is getting concerned about the proliferation of electricity and has been acquiring amulets, I do like cacti but the orgone accumulator is quite bulky and the office is getting a bit cluttered so we are looking for other ways to make her feel happy. Buoyed by their recent success in inventing a new lighting system, the Camera Boys are now developing a special hat for her

This has exposed a curious side of Miss Whiplash; a woman fearless in the face of litigation and all known body fluids. When she’s not looking after the production office she is on the road with her fierce band of rockers, wearing animal-print leotards and feather accessories - this is a woman who shoots flames from her fingernails.

Whiplash has suddenly been plunged into a domestic emergency where she is helping to look after a pile of children. Listening to her account of the weekend I was struck by the difference in our sense of the ultimate Nausea-Inducing-Experience. Hardened by 15 years of life with a man who thinks it’s normal to breed cockroaches to feed to his spiders, I was surprised to hear how upset she was by a few head lice,

I’ve had to spend my weekend combing them out – LIVE NITS!!!

followed by
there’s always a turd on the floor in the morning but I can cope with that!

I’d go for nit-combing over turd-between-the-toes any day – am I alone here?


  1. Now I'm sorry I had that late-night bagle with cheese & onion! :¬(


  2. A sex box that cures cancer! I can see no down side to that. Praise Miss Whiplash!

    PS: Nits. Definitely.

  3. nits hands down! don't get me started on living with miss daisy and rabbit pellets xoxoxox

  4. Nope. Not me. Don't do well with lice or anything worm-like. Give me poop any day! This coming from a girl who used to cut earthworms in half and sell them as bait. When did I become such a girl!

  5. Yes, I have to agree with the others here: give me the turd any day - a once over with a dustpan and brush and some Domestos and it's gone. (Does she really have an orgone accumulator? Does it work??)

  6. Having inadvertently (of course it would be - who would bloody choose to do it) stepped on dog poo in the middle of the night, I would rather cope with that than head lice any day,

    Despite being on Frontline (which has now been weakened due to being sold in pet shops and not just vets) the bichons caught a flea epidemic last year and I became a nervous wreck. I ended up looking through their (luckily) white coats more or less non-stop to see if all our blitzing was working. I hate wriggly little things - at least poo stays in one place


  7. orgone accumulators: "The construction of the boxes caught the attention of the press, leading to wild rumors that they were "sex boxes" that caused uncontrollable erections." wikipedia

    sounds like high times in the office, deat god, i dont know how any of you get any work done!

  8. oh I'd do the nits any day of the week over turds. But I'd prefer to clean up turds rather than vomit. I cannot abide vomit.

    what kind of nurse am I?

  9. Nits definitely, they don't smell, and they're not slimy, or a health hazard. Are they?

  10. Every time I stop and think that I might actually be strange due to my views on never EVER wanting to have children, I read something like this that makes me all smug and satisfied and secure that I am indeed COMPLETELY SANE. Thank you ma'am. :)

    How can I get a nickname like CAKE GIRL? And the cake that comes with it?

  11. This reads a bit like JG Ballard after a happy pill. I hope you're okay. As for turds vs lice, I'd have to side with the turds, because while they may be more vile, they're much less insidious.

  12. nits and turds between the toes... I just can't decide what's worse - both make me shiver!

  13. I used to have a very large dog... but I still think I'd rather deal with the turds...

  14. Well why else would you breed cockroaches? To sacrifice to an easily pleased and disgusting deity?

  15. Mapstew - sorry, I should've put up a warning

    xl A sex box that cures cancer
    Praise Miss Whiplash - indeed! She'll have developed a cure for nits by the end of this week. (it might involve banishing children to the end of the garden)

    Sav - intrigued about Miss Daisy and rabbit pellets - please tell!

    Scribe Give me poop any day!
    is not what I call a girly sentiment

    Gadjo Dilo - Am I the only one who has walked unwarily into a dog owners house, having done as requested and left my shoes on the threshold...?

    French Fancy - it is the trauma of stepping in dog poo at night in a strange house that has seared the horror deep into my psyche - and don't get me started on the neighbours cats.

    Screamish - did I say any work does get done?

  16. Nursemyra I'd prefer to clean up turds rather than vomit. I cannot abide vomit.
    we are as one on this issue - I have such a horror of vomit that I have been known to jump out of a window to escape a prospective vomiter .

    Eryl - exactly - nits are nothing to the hazards of poo.

    Ms Assassin - you are indeed extremely clever to have avoided the horrors of childcare you should have the nickname like NO-POO-OR-NITS-ON-ME GIRL? And the prize is as much cake as you want.

    Red - not sure if JG Ballard after a happy pill is a god thing but poo embedded in sock is the last word in insidiousness

    Eternally Distracted - Never have children - or pets in your house then you don't have to worry!

    Scarlet - Did you feed your dog those dried pellets that make neat little dry poo?

    Inkspot To sacrifice to an easily pleased and disgusting deity?
    Is that what Mlle Inkspot is up to now? - I knew she'd up the ante

  17. Hmmm - It's a tough one as I am going through a bit of an OVER IT stage with nits that REFUSE to give up residence. Maybe the Director could come over and sort them out - or at least make it all worthwhile by using the kids as some sort of filmed experiment. Turds, for the moment, are not something I have the displeasure of encountering... Vomit - we wont talk about as the bedrooms are on the second floor!

  18. Do I have to choose? I'm running away now!

  19. Urgh, this post made me all itchy.
    I think I'd prefer poop. It's what I know. My daughter has diarrhoea at the moment, and of course those diapers do not catch it all...

  20. Turd. Definitely. I had to comb lice out of a curly headed toddler his second week in pre-school. I was squeamy for 7 years after that.

  21. Ange - Man with filming apparatus on his way, can you arrange for the children's heads to be partially shaved in preparation?

    Synchy - yes, you do have to choose

    Metmum, youngsters can get quite touchy feely with their oeuvres My sister used to like putting hers under the sofa.

    Rebecca - I've just realised that it's all because I'm shortsighted - I can't see headlice enough to bother me and I don't see poo until it's too late.


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