Wednesday, March 25

An Offer I Can’t Refuse

25th March
After yesterday’s Ada holiday , I’m back on track in the World of Weird that is this little filming project, I’ll catch you up on the insect and cat news later, but I’ve been champing at the bit to unburden myself of a recent adventure:

I had a swift response to Friday’s canvassing for garden-related stuff, the following afternoon a battered Mercedes scrunched into our driveway. M. Mullet got out, swaggered round to the car boot and opened it with a flourish to reveal a pile of ceramic flower pots and plastic seed trays. I thanked him and said that I’d be happy to buy them.

Oh no, they’re just sitting there taking up space in our garage, they are a gift

M. Mullet has a wolfy leer about him, clearly this was not going to be the end of it, his eyes were scanning the property over my shoulder, taking note that no other car was in view, he finally asked if I was on my own (I was).

Goodness me no, my husband is filming behind the house – shall I call him?

He didn’t call my bluff and headed off, but the following day his wife knocked on our front door and asked me if I would like to have an aperitif with her that evening, I said that would be lovely thank you
then she said Good you will join my home maintenance party

She saw my puzzled look and explained that she was hosting a party for housewives where we would be introduced to some house cleaning products, I wanted to laugh, my idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

The penny dropped - this was how I had to pay for the car-load of pots

The Mullet’s place was easy to spot due to the broken lorry blocking the road outside, but then I had to negotiate quite a lot of big car parts and dog poo before I got to the front door, M. Mullet opened the door and there was  a tussle to stop the dogs savaging me. The 'party’ was going to be run by a large severe-looking lady in a tight suit, M.Mullet left for the bar and we were all given catalogues, there were 5 other 'guests', all French except for Brenda*, I was the only non-smoker in the room.

Brenda hissed at me that she’d tried to decline her invitation by saying that there’d be no point as she didn’t understand French, They told me you were coming to translate – why didn’t you say no?

I hissed back: Why didn’t you?

We were then treated to the Stanhome Experience which is exclusively directed at women and emphasizes their responsibility to provide family security through cleanliness. The Tight-suited Lady stood and lectured us, pausing now and again while I turned to Brenda and rendered her words into English.

There is nothing that will remove as many stains as Spunkoff, here are my husband’s white cricket trousers, they were covered with sperm and grass stains, see how new they look now

Mme Mullet was to receive a commission from the sales, she told us that she hoped to reach a target that would win her the bonus prize, I asked her what that would be

A magic squeegee**

Finally order forms were passed around, I selected a cleaning sponge and some hand cream at the sort of price I would pay for good Champagne and smoked salmon. Everyone else placed their order and went home but Mme Mullet had insisted that Brenda and I stay for aperitifs, we waited while the evening’s sales were totalled.

The squeegee target was not reached, Tight-suit lady handed us all a Stanhome-branded coaster and left. M. Mullet came back from the bar, poured us some warm whiskey and tried to comfort his distraught wife about her tight-fisted friends. It was an uncomfortable evening on every level.

* Brenda is great value - a chain-smoking septuagenarian party girl from Liverpool, recipient of multiple implants and facelifts

** Obviously if I could’ve just bought her the mop as an exchange for the pots I would have happily done so – but mere money won’t buy such a glorious thing.


  1. There is a scene from The Stepford Wives where the wives get together to discuss cleaning products. It was one of the clues that they weren't really human. The other clue was the way they carried on when having sex with their husbands. Does Madame Mullet moan a lot when her husband has his way with her?

  2. I've just attended a Stanhome Soirée; choosing the minimum from the brochure without looking too mean is an art. Not one I've mastered.

    It's more complicated here because the maire is the boss of the company locally. And his mum was there. So I've messed up on several counts.

  3. I've never heard of this Stanhome experience - probably it's not reached the housewives of our region yet due to their impoverished status. Naturally I'll be hosting the first one with my impeccable home - NOT!

    You do have some fun times out here, Lulu.Come and be my neighbour please.

  4. Maybe put this one down as suffering for one's art?

  5. Thank goodness for the Kleeneze catalogue! It's delivered. Then the next day it's picked up. No fuss, no bother, no money exchanged.

  6. Don't we all want a little squeegee?

  7. Gorilla - Yes she does and they're into gimp masks and harnesses - is that a Stepford Wife thing?

    Frankofile - It's just a flippin' minefield isn't it?

    Ms Fancy - count yourself lucky on the Stanhome front.

    I was thinking it would be great to come and be your neighbour but now I'm wondering which bit of that evening would you have found fun.

    xl - that's exactly how I saw it, and one person's pain is another's pleasure so often.

    Scarlet - so is it the Kleeneze man that is the good part about the exchange?

    Bill - we could all use a squeegee now and again that is true

  8. Sounded like you had a real fun afternoon. Lordy, there's nothing worse than feeling trapped in a sales pitch and feeling obligated.

  9. lordy, i thought we american women were the only ones to submit our friends, fellow workers, neighbors with invites to the "women-only-product-parties-where-one-feels-obligated-to-buy-SOMETHING-to-remain-on-good-terms with your neighbor, boss' wife, whatever.
    i hate those things. it seems to be a thinly veenered excuse for women to go out for an evening of socializing. instead of spending money on alcohol and having a whale of a good time sniggering about your hubby & children everyone behaves, nibbles on crappy appetizers and most of the women dont drink to boot.
    do i need to say i dont get invited to these anymore?

  10. bb - It was funny in retrospect but I do have a horror of being trapped.

    Deb - It's hilarious isn't it? you could have a dreary evening torn between wasting money on stuff you don't want or upsetting people - or you could spend the same money having a lot of fun with people you like.

  11. There is also the sale to residence of under feminine clothing !! :))

    Does the underwear to small price interest you ? I am on the area ...Bla!Bla!Bla! Bodies, strings of the micro-string ???,one assortments of sizes and model to satisfy you. ..Bla!Bla!Bla!

    Bah ! Yesssssssssss ! M'dame, I am his husband I air the right of there to attend ???? Is I taking out the pie to the apples and the cider !?
    Yes ! Mister, so much more than one does them even for man, color leopard...!
    what !!! Hum ! Sorry m'dame, the pie is cold and the hot cider and my Woman not more is interested !

    And does the meetings tupower have the house ? Put in assured can a lot less funny, the "marmots" between the guibolles, the pure clebs to the very frequented coat ...without pedigree that you drool on the knees without counting that if this is a male it grabs himself has your leg and rubs itself from the top down in welcoming way :(

    Very little for me !

  12. M. Mullet needs a good trim. Sounds deeply unpleasant sort of bloke.

    I loathe girly gatherings like that. I have yet to define my womanly essence by the range of cleaning products I own. I'm impressed that you restrained yourself so much.

  13. This is what comes of being nice. I am not that nice. I just say "no". But whhat a great blog post you got out of this.

  14. Sounds ghastly.

    Huh, we never need Spunkoff when I was a lad - a proper set of whites soaks it up no questions asked - and the number of times I've spontaneously ejaculated after delivering a perfect off-break that clatters leg and middle it's just as well.

  15. Crabtree - I adore your comments, and I do believe that if Mme Mullet had been selling leopard colour lingerie her husband would indeed be in serving the cider and rubbing up our legs - now I am happy it was just cleaning products for sale.

    Mme DeF - I will keep scissors about my person to deal with Mullethead in future - Brenda says he's always trying to snog her.

    KSV - I can just say no when that happens in the UK but I was caught off balance on this one.

    Gadjo - do you end up with stiff cardboardy areas on your trousers due to all this ejaculation? Does it act as a sort of starching agent?

  16. i think my wild curls and perference for black keeps all the sales party girls away from my door, sugar! ;) xoxox

  17. This Brenda character is a great new addition (at least for me, as I am a relativly new fan of yours). I once almost threw a Pampered Chef party, now I am so glad I backed out!!! Not as bad as cleaning supplies, but just horrible over priced crap, good crap, but overpriced and Lord knows I have enough crap!

  18. The Stanhome Experience seems creepily close to a cult. I've nothing against sects between consenting adults, but steer clear of the fudge and avoid inhaling cleaning fluids. I think you should excuse yourself from future Experiences, pleading a sudden allergy to polish.

  19. Savannah - does the black keep sales people away because they assume you're in mourning?

    Alphawoman - Brenda is brilliant, I've just been round her house and discovered that I have a dress made out of the same fabric that her cushions are made of...

    Brother T - it is a bit culty and creepy. I'm worried that they embedded a chip in my neck while I was mesmerised by the products

  20. Gah, I'm flashing back to every Mary Kay party I've ever had the displeasure of being forced into attending.

  21. PS. Brenda sounds like my kind of babe.

  22. Prunella - I'm imagining that if you were invited Mary Kay is a party plan selling drugs - what's your problem?

    Brenda might well be a vision of yourself in 40 years time.

  23. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

  25. this is why I never open my curtains, let alone leave the house


Related Posts with Thumbnails