I set off back to The Lovely House in a bad mood having paid good money for a terrible colour job on my hair. Then, keen to make headway through France before I got tired, I found a lovely empty stretch of autoroute – just for me. Too late, I spotted the uniformed men pointing a hairdryer at me, and as I arrived at the peage (toll booths) some policemen were waiting for me and escorted me to a Portacabin. One man laboriously typed out the full report of my misdemeanor with his left little finger, while the other eight officers stood around watching and making wisecracks.
Vous etes pressée madame?
Sarky bastards
Finally back at the Lovely House, I found the cats inflated like a pair of furry Marigolds, they had wanted to run out of my way as usual but could barely move - one had to give the other a push to squeeze out of the catflap.
I’d asked Mrs Druid to pop by while I was away and put a little food out for the cats. As a keeper of sheep, dogs and hens, I assumed she knew something about animals, I hadn’t taken into account the fact that she only started with the druidery and animal husbandry fairly recently when she retired from her job with social services.
Arriving for feeding duty the day after I left, Mrs Druid had emptied an entire sack of cat food into the two hoppers attached to the feeding bowls so the cats could eat continuously. Coming back the following day she spotted the food was all eaten so she went out and bought a supersize sack to keep those hoppers full.
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Sorry, at your expense, I laughed. Bloated cats, snarky French cops, bad hair color ... anything else?
ReplyDeleteI suspect she was fattening up the kitties for some sort of horrible Druid ritual!
ReplyDeletethose bloody police and their hairdryers, huh?
ReplyDeletehope it's nice to be safely ensconced once again at The Lovely House with your two fat and faithful cat servants.
I don't like cats. But fat immobile cats is funny.
ReplyDelete"Vous etes pressée madame?"... is a bit dismal as a wisecrack though, isn't it? I'd have hoped for "Vous etes Mme Sterling Moss?" or perhaps "Vous etes nicked, Sunshine".
ReplyDeletethos bloody hairdryers! They've been pointed at us too but due to a glitch - wrong forms filled in by a flic - they had to drop it. hahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha
ReplyDeleteShame about the hair. Funny and also a shame about the cats
Welcome home
Do think the you new hairdo might have scared the cats? I think red suits your personality, but cats are easily spooked by that sort of thing.
ReplyDeleteBill - If you've had a laugh it makes all my suffering worthwile
ReplyDeletexl- I wouldn't put it past her - bitch witch
TP - It's good to be back but cats no longer interested in serving my needs on the mouse eradication front.
Wow - Ditto my comment to Bill
Gadj - French cops are continuously lampooned here for their slowness and lack of wit - believe me they were at their sparkling best.
FF- I must admit that I have got away with such naughty behaviour before. The cats and my hair are equally funny really.
GB - I thought that red suited me too - it would've probably worked better if the hairdresser had put the colour right to the roots
That made me laugh. And love the picture (which I hope you found, rather than did, or you are seriously wasted tending ants).
ReplyDeleteAh Lulu, next time you get taken in by the cops remember to fall down on the floor in convulsions, it'll speed things up considerably. They might even let you go.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I'm with XL. Keep an eye on that old lady, she's fattening up those cats for some sort of satanic reason I'll bet. Satanic!
Oh no! Bloated fat cats, poor them. I'll never forget the time my schnauzer Bertha ate her way to the bottom of an industrial size bag of dry food, and was to be found wedged into the sack hours later, unable to walk, and weighing the same as a bowling ball.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, Lulu. Don't the French cops protest in their defence that they can read and write - which is why they go round in twos, as one can read and the other can write!
ReplyDeleteWho says policemen don't have a sense of humour? Maybe they didn't think that the stylist hadn't dried you off suffiently.
ReplyDeleteAs for the cats, well, enforced diets are required. Get them to round around after you. Or use them to fill cracks in walls after your recent deluges.
Hi Again Lulu -
ReplyDeleteIsn't that moment awful, when you see that the Gendarmerie have you in their sights and you know you are just in for it? No escape, I take it, before the toll booth... I don't know how these things work in France, (they've done away with the guillotine, correct?). Cops in every country hate more than anything to be embarrassed in court, so, perhaps, if you get before some form of juge, you could artfully work in mention of the snarky comments. It probably won't save you from the penalty but it might cause Monseiur le Juge to look over the top of his glasses at the cop - maybe.
I think you should save up Kevin and Julie's micey-bit gifts and droppings and dump them on the doorstep of that evil hairdresser. Oh, and be sure to save a bag for the gendarmerie in the Portacabin.
ReplyDeleteI love recycling out of revenge.
Brother T - Actually I did have to dye the cats for that snap but they helped me tie the gloves, glad you like it.
ReplyDeletePru - I usually have a cushion ready to stuff up my jumper and pretend I'm in labour, I had it tied to my head to cover my hair and that was my downfall.
Do you really think devil worship and druidry are going hand in hand here? I'll have some cloves of garlic and a steak at the ready.
Daisy - how long does it take for a sack of food to be pooed out of an animal?
Gadj - they also need to be numerous to help with the counting (more digits) I got breathalysed once and that involved 10 of them.
Madame Defarge - The policemen had all been called ahead to come and laugh at my hair.
I have attached bits of meat on strings just out of reach and the cats are jumping up in vain attempts to get at them hahahaha.
Katrocket - as soon as I can get thm fit enough to catch mice again, that's exactly what I'll do.
KSv - I had to hand over 90 euros directly and that's the end of it. If I'd have been French they would have guillotined me after I gave them the mone.
Well, at least the cats weren't sick and didn't do that projectile vomiting thing.
ReplyDeleteHave they deflated yet?
Sx
WV: sized
I had a similar position! I do not speak of the hair!! But of a check of speed,
ReplyDelete* Hello mister, your papers PLEASE...
Recognize that they are polite !
* You saw to which pace rolled you ?
Non m'sieur l'agent ! By measures security, I never go down of my vehicle in market, I do not can therefore to note visu to which pace I roll!
* Very funny! That will do you 90€!
Oups!
For the cats ,It looks like the aérophagie ! :)
Scarlett - cats deflating slowly, no vomit but lots of poop
ReplyDeleteCrabtree - les flics sont emmerdants non?
Aérophagie - plutot les boules de plomb
Maybe you should've done your best Inspector Clouseau impersonation. (or Jerry Lewis).
ReplyDeleteLe Peenk Panzer eez not zo hahaha wiz ze poleez ere monsieur bb
ReplyDelete