Biscuitlandia

I am back to work at the Brain Surgery

In my absence, biscuit-gifts from grateful patients have filled the waiting room.

Anyone wanting to see the Brain Doctor will need to eat a path to his door - also he needs rescuing as he's too small to push his own way out.

I hand a LUXURY SELECTION BOX to a waiting patient, the man-who-is-always-grumpy

No thank you, I got a pile of my own at home, people keep giving me the buggers I don't know what they think I'm going to do with them. I used to get them wholesale - Family Circle - that's a quality biscuit that is - I could get  two boxes for a fiver. That was my Christmas present for everyone a few years back. Then they put the price up  - kept the box the same size but reduced the goods inside - so I don't bother buying them anymore.

My nephew attends a knitting club

he has already made a fabulous range of jewelry, helter skelters, monsters, money-holding-things and this divine gun

last week he asked me to knit a very specific sort of scarf that he could decorate





He is still working as a pastry chef, he and his sister made the Christmas tree cookies;

The cats have challenged each other

to find the highest most wobbly thing to get on top of. The tops of doors are ideal.

I spent Christmas day with my sister and the rest of the family, when I returned to the cat house the kitchen door was closed and the bath full of poo.

The cats had worked together to prise open the airing cupboard door, this had banged the kitchen door shut, the kitchen is where the litter trays are and also the cat flap to the back garden.

They have shown me the trick several times since. It takes a lot of frantic scrabbling to get the cupboard door open, the cupboard is mainly packed with towels and spare bedding - on one shelf is a  clear plastic container half-full of pegs. Once the door has been opened the cats take it in turns to leap onto the door, the game is then to get from the top of the door into the plastic peg box which has exactly enough space in it to contain most of a cat.

The cats have emerged

from their bunkers and are now mainly perching on things higher than us. When they think we might not notice, a paw reaches over to pat an ear or someone's hair gets nibbled.

Lawn Sausage

I heard talk about Lorne Sausage before I saw the packaging - until then I assumed that it was the Scots euphemism for what happens when you keep dogs

I've moved into a house

close to my sister's house


I shall be cat-sitting here for the next few days.

The cats hide from me, in boxes, behind furniture, in the bath ... when they feel brave they raise a periscope and report my movements to each other via walkie-talkies

it is our big solstice celebration

we are staying in Scotland with my sister and her children. My three-year-old niece is very keen on biscuits -  I asked which were her favourite

Jammy Todgers

it's knitting season again

I knit to while away the hours at the Brain Surgery; people arrive, I knit we chat, when we've chatted for the right amount of time I direct them to a consulting room, when they have closed the door some of them take off their clothes and lie down.

Yesterday I did not pay proper attention to the schedule and sent a lady to a room to take off her clothes and lie down. and then another lady arrived .... who had an appointment before her.


I'm blaming my inattention on over-biscuiting

over-biscuiting

the patients pay their bill and hand us gift-wrapped boxes

all the boxes contain exactly the same DE-LUXE chocolate biscuit selection

there are only three of us here to eat them

it seems rude to offer them round to the waiting patients - it would be like giving them back their presents

tomorrow I must find a route home that involves more homeless people

I wrote a 'To Do' list last night

nothing on it has been achieved so I've had to add:

clean stove

phone mortgage company

phone mortgage company again

phone mortgage company again

be apoplectic

make tea

drink tea

clear up mess made during stove cleaning

now I have things to cross off

Breathing holes

The Brain Doctor handed me a heavy catalogue and asked me to order new covers for the treatment tables.

I found some thick bouncy blue covers and called the number on the book.

the woman at the end of the phone said:

treatment table covers? with a breathing hole or without?

with

we stock pearl beige terry towelling

I'd like the blue spongy ones

we don't do those

she hung up

I noticed that the catalogue cover was dated 2005

Christmas cat fan required north london

Still keeping an eye on those small ads

Day Two Painting Billboards

Arrived at Bearpit to find the boards I'd started the day before had been scribbled over during the night - adapted designs to reduce the impact of taggers.

Went to get coffee, the women running the Bearpit café were inspecting the newly installed planters; one of them was full of vomit and another's plants were uprooted.

Neighbourly drunks came by to say good morning, a woman stopped to chat and then a young junkie who is magnetically attracted to soft-looking women arrived, he got some change from us and wandered off.

I started painting; an Irish girl-with-a-guitar arrived and started busking. By the end of the first song she had proper money collecting by her feet,  a boy-with-a-guitar turned up, stood beside her and made like he was in her band (they had never met before). Then the junkie returned and circled, trying to work out how to get the money out of her case without anyone noticing, he settled on standing very close to them, jingling his own coins in the hope that people would think he was collecting for the band.

and that is why painting outside is slow work.

Misdirection

My neighbourhood is a bit right-on; awash with unwashed, scruffy-haired, Guardian-reading types. The few eating places that are not vegetarian use meat scantily - more as a sort of seasoning, because those of us who do like a bit of bacon feel guilty about the effect that scoffing huge quantities of dead animal has on the planet  (the animal doesn't do too well out of it either apparently).

I'd heard that a new restaurant called 'Meat' was going to be opening, with a name like that I assumed they'd be hefting whole ox carcasses on the table, the diners would crowd round and chew directly on the raw flesh - I've just looked at a press release from this company and it turns out that it will be just another chicken wing and burger joint.

I'm painting billboards

to protest our government's enthusiasm for the Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP)

My shiny leopard-skin-effect shopping trolley was used to ship pots of paint to the billboards. I unpacked it mostly without incident but pulling out the last pot of paint made the lid came off and the contents emptied into the trolley. I pushed it over a drain expecting the paint to leak away - it didn't but neither could I tip the paint out of the trolley without making very big white mess on the brand-spanking-new-multi-million pound pedestrian surface so I let the trolley be a paint kettle which was ungainly.

The underpass (where I was painting), attracts people who need to do a bit of public shouting - the morning was spent with  three Friends of Jesus and a sound system and the End of Days. They moved on and the drunks who normally live close to my house came to sit and watch me and then an American-girl-with-a-guitar arrived, she was lovely and friendly but she only knew Empire State of Mind which she sang in the voice of  Kermit-the-Frog - the drunks howled along like Youtube huskies.

I have to go back and finish the job tomorrow

At tonight's art event

Woman enters the room guiding an elderly lady

This is my mother - she's ninety-one

Another woman steps forward head tilted in challenge

My mother's ninety-one

When's your mother's birthday?

March

mine's in October

(sotto voce) My mother's older

Lemurs

today I'm printmaking again

Manners

My mother-in-law likes us to just stick arms out and help ourselves without waiting to be served so at the start of a meal as we are just sitting down she bellows above our chatter;

BOARDING HOUSE REACH EVERYONE!

Head fiddling

My friend was trying to explain the notion of opposites to his son: wet/dry, light/dark, heavy/light ... the boy moved swiftly into advanced extremism and asked

... what's the opposite of a frying pan? a tree?


during work-avoidance today I wondered what the opposite of a dinosaur might be and came up with a feather, bracken, a woodlouse and flu.  BUT ... if the dinosaur was a metaphor for Venice then it's opposite could be an Asian stilt village or the Gobi desert... I have no idea where this is going



I was also thinking of Andy Goldsworthy because I think he's fab

Since yesterday

I can't stop thinking about all those musicians released through the Berlin wall

Today's surprises at the Brain Surgery:

A surprising amount of patients either forgot to arrive or arrived late

One of the people who didn't come was someone we thought had died last year - we were surprised that she made an appointment at all

A surprising amount of Italian patients, one of them had a tiny baby, another used to be a concert cellist. When the Berlin wall came down the musician market became flooded with cellists - the Berliners undercut the Italians and my new friend was unable to find enough work

The free car park is less than five minutes walk away, despite this a surprising number of people borrow someone else's disabled badge so they can park just that little bit closer

Between patients I managed to darn a thousand bite-holes in the moth-eaten jumper

The man came into the kitchen

wearing a jumper dotted with moth cocoons -  fine merino wool - last year's christmas present. Normally I would have jumped around on account of the scattering of cocoons and baby hatching moths as the man moved around the house but  the cottonwool in my head has stifled my ability to react.

I'm trying to shift the cottonwool by boiling my head over a bowl of steamy water to which I have added rosemary and mint - if there is any medicinal purpose in doing this I don't know because, despite my telling some other people to the contrary, I am not actually a doctor.

My favourite patient

at the Brain Surgery is a hundred and fifty years old, tiny as a wren with orange hair. Her wardrobe is fabulous.

She came in yesterday - a hairy tartan scarf tied round her neck in a manner that I am definitely going to try later, we talked about her new husband:

Is this your first marriage?

Yes, I've done a lot of weird things in my life but until this year I've never been married

Rabbit's handwriting

is neat and regular and strong like a properly formed grown-up. My handwriting is chaotic and varies from day to day.

When Rabbit is bored she does mirror writing in the margins of our shared notebook which is exactly as neat as her non-mirror writing.

Rabbit was in the reception room

fulminating about a sportsman on the cover of a magazine then about various other people who I think also played sport - Rabbit asked what I thought about them

I said that I had no idea who any of the people mentioned were

We agreed that we should meet out of work - the negociations went like this:

We could go for a drink

I don't drink alcohol, we could go for coffee

I don't drink non-alcohol

Do you like cake?

No

Cinema?

I hate cinema. A play? I love theatre

I hate plays. There's a cafe over the bridge where I go to for lunch sometimes, they always do a really nice dahl

I love dahl

our common ground is dahl, the Brain Doctor and a fondness for Neil Pearson

I have a new colleague at the Brain Surgery

today Rabbit and I took our lunch together and discovered that we are actually Jack Spratt and his Wife, we each detest everything the other one adores, it was wonderful and I think we should get married.

It rained so hard

I wore my new pointy boys shoes which are a bit slippy so I had to fight my way to the Brain Surgery this morning, my hands were too occupied with my bag and umbrella for air-punching.

When I redecorated the Surgery a few months back I rearranged the artwork in a way that favoured waiting patients. In my absence the Brain Doctor has put all the good paintings back into his consulting rooms - the reception area, and my view, is once again blessed with cheesy floral arrangements and faded sailing ships.

it is also cold

How's this for spooky

I usually cycle to the Brain Surgery but this morning felt like a walking day

then Miranda July sent me an email


More walking is called for today. Or if you are caged, regularly pace your cage, shake the bars, punch the air.

good luck,
Miranda

and I shall punch the air as I walk

Last night I had supper with a rock star

at a restaurant - it was a birthday party for the rock star's right-hand woman

towards the end of the evening a waitress arrived with a tiny candle stuck in a chocolate truffle surrounded with Smarties and we all sang the Happy Birthday song and then the rock star wanted to make a speech but at the exact same moment that he stood up and started speaking the couple at the next table who were having a difference of opinion got really really shouty at each other

so we watched them instead

I resisted endless tempation

when shopping in town yesterday;

First I walked past this crocheted poncho at the charity shop reduced from £20 to JUST FOUR.

It was also World Vegan Day - the local vegans had set up trestle tables outside the supermarket.

Guessing that Vegan World might have off-putting aspects they cunningly lured people over with a sign written in biro on an old cardboard box announcing FREE FOOD. A cross-looking lady septuagenarian in harem-pants and rainbow hair was transforming piles of dry-looking vegan 'sausages' into tasty bite-sized chunks and a pale man was handing out photographs of baby chicks in a blender and some bloody sheep heads.

Had supper with Whiplash last night

Dessert was divine


Whiplash is the châtelaine of an apartment block and is currently following the gardening contractors around to see if they actually do anything.

Next week or soon after she and another woman will be helping a friend give birth.

I've made an infusion of clary sage to mist her with once the contractions get going, Lisa's going to massage her face with a blusher brush

There's a soundtrack, when she gets to the last bit she wants to push it out to Led Zeppelin

they visited the birthing suites at the maternity hospital - all the other pregnant women were accompanied by men

We looked a right set of lezzers so I kept mentioning that the father was planning to be there too

I'm home

finally unpacked and laundered, I went to the Brain Surgery - the Brain Doctor was nursing a black eye, he had cancelled all his patients for the day.

I am doing crayoning and games instead

I've only just discovered

Iris Van Herpen

I may need to get a bubble bath dress

I am on my way out of Spain

but not before I have become half whippet myself

It's Sunday here's a church

wondering if I can fit the whippet in my luggage

not sure if I'm going to be able to say goodbye - hoping that he's fold-able and I can take him with me next week.

The weather's been moody as an adolescent - the whippet made me go out and has hauled me through woods bulging with fungi but I'm far too much of a coward to pick any of it.

In the market today fierce people bullied me into buying at least ten times more vegetation than I can possibly eat - I show  them how much I want and they throw their arms up and shout something like

There's no bloody point selling that poxy amount - it's a kilo or nothing

Other market trophies include an uncooked blood sausage that I think needs boiling and some smoked cod that I think is eaten raw and some tins of smoked cod liver which is my favourite thing in the world but I'd forgotten it existed.

Today's weather on the forecast thingy looks like this

outdoors it looks like this

The whippet and I have mostly been inside listening to things like this




Longplayer Conversation 2014: David Graeber and Brian Eno from Artangel on Vimeo.

Virtually no traffic

comes through the village but most days I hear a parping horn that signals the arrival of a van that stops and then people come out of their houses and buy things from it. 


Today I heard the horn and ran out - determined to buy whatever was on offer - it was fish.

A man was also buying fish - I recognised his blackandwhite pointer dog that had followed me home in an elaborate game of Grandmother's Footsteps yesterday.

During the fish transaction we established that I am neither the sister, aunt nor cousin of the lady who owns the whippet

Mystery

Outside the nearby house there is a bottle of clear liquid  tethered to a post with orange twine. A few paces away there are more bottles - these are untethered. The house opposite has bottles of  untethered water(?) on the pavement.

I am bracing myself to make inquiries

Zig Zag

Before setting off for Spain I went to see this Francesca Woodman exhibition focusing on the zigzagginess of her photographic compositions. I now see zigzags everywhere - even when I'm wondering about the animal that needs that nest so big but can also balance itself and babies on top of a bell tower

and the bells must be bothersome - maybe they go out for dinner on Sundays

Dog of the Week

It's cold and rainy and we're curled up on the sofa and some of us are doing drawing


The neighbours and I have been making friendly noises at each other. They can't tell what I am saying because my Spanish is appalling and I can't tell what they are saying partly because my Spanish is appalling but also because they have strong regional accents and also because all the people that I have met so far have no front teeth.

Despite this we are exchanging foodstuffs; yesterday the next door neighbour gave me a jug of milk, I turned it into sort-of-cheese and gave her half. Today I met a man on a tractor who gave me two fat green peppers.

here's a photo of the village

Here are some things I wanted to buy at the market

but they were too big for my bag


I did buy a ham bone, it's still very hammy with what's left after they've made slices of Serrano ham.

I boiled it up and the whippet looked at me and said

I like ham ... she gives me ham

I'm in Spain - whippet-sitting

He's called Lucho and he's keeping a very close eye on me. It's supper time. I put some dried dog food in his bowl and made yummy noises but he looked at the bowl in a sad way and then he looked very directly at me at me and then he pointed to the fridge and he said

She gives me sausages

A mothball cloud followed me

home from London. I was unaware of this until I opened my suitcase and the undiluted smell filled the bedroom and I realised that I've been moving around in an odour cloud like Pigpen from Peanuts.

The napthelene hit my nose when I first walked into Doglady's house but then all the taxidermy and the tapestries and the duck-egg-blue-coloured walls and the deep-salmon-coloured walls and the pistachio-coloured walls and all the voodoo flags and the snakes and the dismembered hands took over my attention and I didn't connect about that previous guest getting set on fire and over the week I absorbed so much of the smell into my clothes and skin and hair that my nose was too stunned to notice anymore.

I am looking after a very sweet dog

he mainly looks like this - when I talk he looks like this with his head cocked

Stabby and Shooty

Where I'm staying there's a massive school a few metres up the road, I ask a couple who live nearby if it's any good

The man says

I think so ... but I hear it's a bit shooty - one of the dads went in there and pulled a gun a while back

woman says
... and  it's a bit stabby too, there was that argument between the mothers - one of them got her scissors out of her bag and stabbed the other one in the forehead

In the spare room

The duvet is naked and curled over the end of the bed

it is marbled with an unpleasant grey pattern

Doglady sees me looking at it

I know that looks bad but it's not mildew ... it's fire

??

the last person sleeping there set fire to herself

I answered one of the small ads

not the one that involved a dachshund with a jacuzzi and pool table in Cairo but one that involved a lady with a dog in London

I arrive at the House of Astonishing Things just before Doglady leaves for her holiday - the house is covered with lots of little notes for me but they are difficult to notice because of all the astonishing things that keep filling my eyes.

Her holiday outfit is a pink velour pant suit and she carries a tiny parachute silk holdall - she is holding out a big canvas tent-like thing

she makes a fanfare

TA DAAAHH!

and like the Great Splendido she swirls the heavy tent-thing onto her body and becomes enormous.

She pats the lumps that are all round her back and front and recites:

suncream
maps
shoes
sandals
hairbrush
deodrant
camera
reading glasses
sunglasses
books-my-god-they-shouldn't-complain-about people-who-take-books-on-holiday-do-they-want illiterate-clients?
guidebooks
dictionary

she is triumphant!

Here's a thing

The man has been in France with a lady who makes enormous dinners and keeps dozens of dogs and who first noticed the luminous earthworms 3 years ago. Thinking this to be interesting, she told some French scientists - boy did they laugh.

Madame you 'ave no penis - it is not possible that you make observations - go back to your kitchen
and drink less absynthe

The luminous-worm story was repeated among the scientists to illustrate the stupidity of women until it filtered through to someone who did go and visit the lady and the worms who then set about finding someone with a luminosity-filming camera ...

this is just the beginning of a story 

POSTSCRIPT

Sir David Attenborough was so excited by this and other intriguing bioluminescence stories that he agreed to present the Man's film which is called David Attenborough's Life that Glows in the UK and David Attenborough's  Light on Earth elsewhere

The programme started airing in May 2016  Here's a link to a site with a trailer

I've just read this

According to a study published Thursday in the journal Cell, scientists have developed a chemical treatment that turns lab mice transparent … It takes roughly two days to make a mouse’s organs transparent and one week more to make a mouse fully see-through.
—Newsweek

and then I read this

If you can't be bothered to click through I'll just give you the end bit

The transparent mice are part of a project that would make the entire human brain see-through.

The Man Is Filming Luminous French Worms

In France

it has to be done at night

He calls me and  complains that his French hosts make him eat an enormous French supper before he goes out to do this.

I'm still checking the small ads

this is today's favourite

Pet Sitter needed for our Dachshund for 10 Days in Cairo, Egypt - Pool Table and Jacuzzi Included!

Today at the Brain Doctor's

the doorbell stopped working again - I tore it from the wall and shouted at it but it was no use

a surprising number of patients who visit have only one good eye

today a new patient parked a few metres down the road then phoned to say she couldn't find the surgery. I said stay where you are I'll come and get you but she moved and we ended up chasing each other round the block. I completed the circuit to see her standing at the bell-less door waving at me

I'm in a book

Women in Clothes by Sheila Heti, Heidi Julavits, Leanne Shapton and 639 Others


I love it that in a book about clothes my contribution is about nudity

It was this kind of day today

jug: bastien aubry and dimitri broquard

Today there was a sunflower competition

at the top of the hill

Back in May, three seeds were delivered in an envelope to everyone in the neighbourhood with a note attached

THESE SEEDS HAVE BEEN DONATED BY THE LOCAL PLANT SHOP
ON 14TH SPETMBER THERE WILL BE A SUNFLOWER COMPETITION AT THE TOP OF THE HILL

THE PRIZE-WINNING CATEGORIES WILL BE AS FOLLOWS:

BRIGHTEST SUNFLOWER
BIGGEST SUNFLOWER
BEST-DRESSED SUNFLOWER
MOST MELANCHOLY SUNFLOWER

I sowed these and as many other sunflower seeds as I could find. This last month sunflowers have been blooming and fading and the house is now surrounded by crusty vegetable shower heads. Of the seeds that arrived through the letterbox two survived, on Friday they bloomed huge and tall and beautiful and leaning on each other for support - I didn't have the heart to chop the biggest away so I just took the thought of my flowers up the hill.

We brought food and there were sack races and racing toy cars and a tug o war. A flower in a purple wig won the best-dressed section and a man came round the corner pushing a wheelbarrow overflowing with a stalk the size of a lap-dancing pole, his two children carried a decaying flower which was bigger than their two heads combined

The Brain Doctor

operates from very low-rent premises, there is no technology, no card machine, no computer - the record-keeping system is made of paper and paper clips and pencils

he charges very little for his services and people pay as they go - cash or cheque only

today a patient had his treatment and then ran off without paying - he literally ran out of the door so I couldn't catch him

I picked up the piece of paper with his contact details on

and they are all made up

this has never happened before

The tooth has gone

It feels a bit drool-ey

have bought eye patch, parrot and stumpy leg

seems like I've been in dental dread

forever,

I can't remember when I wasn't eating painkillers.

I did go to see the dentist last Tuesday,  arriving early to sit among the magazines in that shrunken scared way of someone who knows something bad is going to happen.

after a long chat with the receptionist the dentist showed me into the surgery

the dentist then spent ten minutes telling me about her overloaded schedule - finally she looked in my mouth but she was out of time and said she'd have to do the work over her lunch break today.

Found some metres of this

in a charity shop - I think it's the dogs

and now I know how to finish decorating the bedroom - it involves a GOLD ceiling

it's going to be F.A.B

Tempting...

today someone posted a notice asking for live-in help around the house, no pay but you get to stay there for free ...


It needs much work and I have limited funds. My wife left me about 7 years ago, after 25 years of marriage. She liked being a housewife, but said she had no feelings for me. I disdain housework and I'm not much at remodeling ... I'm not too demanding- but I don't have pets ( except Goldfish ) , a fence, or allow them in the house. I also can't stand people smoking- anything. I've been a health nut for many years- but don't mind others eating what they want. I don't drink alcohol or take other drugs. I'm an easy going Christian gentleman.

My tooth still hurts

but we are in England so I have to wait until next Tuesday to see a dentist.

I receive weekly advice emails from Miranda July and this week she says ...

You know how Jason Bourne keeps on moving, no matter what? You should too. Bullet to the leg? Keep going. Don't think, just go.

good luck,
Miranda

Someone wanted me to feel better

and planted this dress for me to find on the Gloucester Road

My tooth

has been getting progressively wobblier all year

i've been in denial about this fact and now it's getting quite sore, begging me to let it go.

i am very sad about this



probably because I'm afraid that I'll end up looking like a pirate

I'm a fishperson

and I just thought that I really liked Kate Bush.

ONE DAY SHE CAME FOR SUPPER AND THIS PHOTOGRAPH WAS TAKEN !!

it was back in the '80s - in the days when I used to cook at popstar recording studios - those days when popstars traipsed in and out of my kitchen day in day out: that bloke off Police, a Beatle, Joni Mitchell, all of them - I'd just put supper on the table then sit down and eat with everyone like we all went to school together.

Until Katebush Day

A fan finds it hard to believe the object of fandom actually exists - or that's how it affected me - it was like having a unicorn in the house.

I was also dazzled by that whiterthanwhite top which stayed unblemished the entire day - and I know biscuits were involved in the recording studio. Look at me, I'm wearing a brown jumper because I know that if I wear anything smooth or light-coloured something stain-ey will jump on it within 5 seconds.

As you can see it was in the good old days of cigarettes - that's Kate's brother Paddy in the front - I'm trying really hard not to set his hair alight.

That doorbell

I got for the Brain Surgery - turns out it's haunted.

It seemed a little strange when I unwrapped it - the ring menu contained nothing you'd want to announce a visitor: electro drum 'n' bass, rickety piano, cartoon car parps, swanee whistle - everything except ding dong.

I settled on a tinny cascade called 'peel of bells' but even that had consequences, prompting one patient to recall a '60s sitcom that no-one had ever heard of. To boost our memories she re-enacted the opening sequence and would've done the entire first series but someone said 'oh - that show' and I was able to show her into the consulting room.

Today the haunted doorbell started randomly playing bits from it's repertoire of bizarre sounds.

Maybe it's the plug socket that's possessed

A tattooed man lives above the Brain Surgery

When he clomps up and down the stairs the surgery shakes and those of us in the waiting room hunch up a little like we're in an air raid shelter.

Tattoo Man doesn't just tread the stairs, he also bursts into the waiting room in his muscle-revealing vest and shorts. Sometimes he powers through to the store room to see if he left a drill there, sometimes he just stops by to tell an amusing traffic warden story or show a tear-inducing video clip.

the Brain Doctor is British so he has never directly let it be known that he is less than happy with this arrangement

Forever Bicycles

by Ai Weiwei


My forever bikes

Monday:  bike breaks, Shopman sucks teeth, tells me he probably can't repair it but will have a look

Tuesday: secondhand bike advertised on Gumtree, send email - no reply assume sold. Another secondhand bike advertised up the road, it's a clunker - I buy it for £40

Wednesday: I hate clunkerbike

Thursday: Gumtree bike responds 'I've been away - still for sale' I buy it for £50, this one is better but not as nice as my broken bike

Friday: Shopman calls to tell me he's fixed the broken bit of my bike for which he will charge £50 but I must note that the gears are nearly worn invisible and the brakes should be replaced

The man who sits on the pavement

outside the florist has stopped selling the 'Post-its' and paperclips that he nicks from the stationer a couple of doors down.

Instead he is weaving his beer cans into ashtrays so I bought one for a quid -  you might think that sounds cheap but the smoking's going to cost me a fortune

a regular visitor

to the Brain Surgery arrived today with scars on her arm

and I've got a bad leg,  I've not been line dancing for a fortnight

what happened?

I was running down the path with cake

???

 my niece visited and I forgot to give her cake -  so I ran after her with it and slipped

did you land on the cake?

no but my husband was so angry with it that he swore at it and kicked it right to the end of the path

When I started working

at the Brain Surgery the main things I didn't like there, were the colour (pork pie meat) and the smell in the waiting room (charity shop underwear).

Which is why I offered to decorate it last month. Also, the doorbell worked only intermittently causing patients to call to me through the letterbox to get let in.

After the decorating the doorbell didn't work at all but the smell had miraculously disappeared.

Today the Brain Doctor noticed that a thing that used to be plugged into the wall at skirting board level had disappeared - This apparently, was the doorbell buzzer (!!!)

I'd taken it for a stale room freshener and thrown it out. I've promised to buy a new one before Monday.